Gray Expectations: 4 Tips For Navigating Through The Talking Stage
By: Kathleen Santos
Who else can relate? It’s a match! Attraction was immediate based on each other's profile pics - so we swiped right. Or maybe we matched because we share a similar ideal and agree that people who find it fascinating to debate about ‘pineapples on pizza’ are corny. Maybe we’ve known each other from work, and one of us has only recently become single after being previously attached.
Regardless of how it happens, the connection leads to more dialogue, an exchange of compliments and lots of flirtatious small talk. Eventually, we link up, chemistry is dope, and at this point, no one is giving off any creepy or psycho vibes. And so, our arduous dating journey begins.
Establishing a connection with someone you’re attracted to in-person may be more difficult to maneuver for some, but it’s not impossible as long as you’re being yourself. And with 24/7 access to potentials via dating apps and social media, shootin’ your shot is even easier since it requires little effort, just some audacity!
With billions of people on this planet, the odds on a good set of options, are in our favor. Whether you’re dating with intention or just looking to add to the roster, we can all agree that this part of the process should be pretty easy. If you don’t think so, then you’re not ready to be out here just yet. Take your time and try again later.
The next phase of the dating journey, however, could get more awkward and problematic. At the beginning, we are likely playing it real cool. We’ve probably agreed that we’re in this to get to know each other, have fun, and of course, “We’ll see where it goes...” No pressure. Before we know it, we’re spending more time, we’ve got the bedroom mixtapes on replay, and we’re really vibin’. Inevitably, someone catches feelings. Now what? Welp… We have now entered into an area of uncertainty or a space of gray expectations.
To be clear, this concept is most relevant when we’ve been hanging out for at least a couple of months, give or take a month. We’re still single, we see each other regularly, but we’ve not talked about being exclusive, so there aren’t any titles. But could we be headed in that direction? Our relationship status is unclear just as our expectations might be. Should we be planning to see each other regularly every week? How often? What are the rules around daily calls and texts? What do I tell my friends or family who are curious about you? What about my roster? Am I supposed to be giving it up? If I do, you definitely need to give up yours. Is this even the time to have this conversation to define this relationship? What are we doing?? What are we??? Ugggghhhh…
Managing the noise and our own well-being can be tricky when we are dating in a hookup culture that breeds anxiety, ambiguities, and situationships. Those looking for answers to these questions of who/what/where/how/why, might turn to Youtube or IG relationship gurus, dating coaches, and/or their friends who all have opinions and experiences to share about ‘what men/women really want’ or ‘how to get him/her to commit’. Save yourself some valuable time in analysis paralysis and leave all that alone. If you do find yourself tumbling down this vast rabbit hole though and getting yourself stressed… please read on.
Being able to effectively navigate through this gray area will require understanding, accepting, and embracing the idea that you have absolutely no control over anyone, but you! So, to help you get through to the other side, keep the following in mind:
1. CoMmunicate, Communicate, Communicate
Suck it up, and talk it out. Be open and ensure that the two of you are on the same page about what you’re doing, so that you can move accordingly.
2. Require Respect and Healthy Boundaries
If the timing isn’t right to commit and slap a title on the relationship, but you decide to keep hanging out, then so be it. Understand, accept, and embrace this decision with no other expectations. It will be important to continue to require respect and healthy boundaries, whether or not there is a commitment, so leave no room for misunderstanding there.
3. Keep The Focus On You!
If the person you want isn’t in a position to reciprocate, you need to STOP expending more energy and just match theirs. Be committed to getting yourself ready for the right one who will be decisive and equipped to respond correctly. In the meantime, keep your roster. Get your mind, body, soul and bag right! Stay productive, booked, and busy!
4. Appreciate The Now
Maintaining a grateful mindset opens the door to more opportunities and results in benefits that include enhanced physical, emotional and mental health. So, be intentional about taking in the sights, sounds, and smells every day. Be aware of your feelings during the highs and lows, be present in all of it. Be thankful for the wins and lessons. No one needs to be worried about yesterday, it’s long gone. And, while we can keep an eye on the future, we don’t live there. Let’s normalize and cherish being grateful and fully present.
Case in point, Miss Lori Harvey. While some may find her lifestyle choices controversial, Twitter has very recently reminded us that she might be able to teach us a few things. I mean, she is ‘Act Like a Lady and Think Like a Man’ personified (no doubt thanks to the Coach himself, Uncle Steve Harvey), so we should consider taking notes.
Lots of people out here are happy to judge her for what she does or doesn’t do, how she lives her life, or her choices in men, but I can’t hate! At this point in her life, Lori is doing what she is supposed to be doing. She’s single, taking care of herself, living her life unapologetically, minding her business, doing what she wants and whoever she wants. Can’t be mad at that. What’s even more impressive? While she’s open to sharing, she’s not saying a damn thing more than she needs to about what she’s doing nor is she getting caught up in foolish gossip! And most importantly, she is not letting any man stress her!
In the meantime, Lori is continuing to mind her own and letting us in on who is putting a smile on her face (for now) as she pleases. And by the looks of Michael B. Jordan’s grin these days, he is loving being posted up.
Bottomline: When you're having to navigate through a situationship with gray expectations, remember that it has less to do with the other person and more to do with ourselves. Your time is not frivolous. Let them know it’s earned. Keep the focus on your preparation, so when your level-up comes around, you are ready!
Lori Harvey and Michael B. Jordan
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