Letting Go: 10 Steps To Forgiving And Moving On From Your Past
By: Lauryn Bass
We all know what it’s like for someone to do you wrong in a way that ruins your trust. When you initially feel the hurt, it explodes into anger, pain, or sadness. Once the smoke clears, you are left with the decision: what do we do now? Do we move on? Or is this the end? No matter what you decide, forgiveness has to be in the center of it all.
But how do you start this journey? Here are 10 steps to forgiving and moving forward from past relationships!
1. Accept What Happened.
There is no going back from here. Whatever happened, happened. No need to be in denial. Just like the saying goes, “no use in crying over spilt milk.” Life happens and people make mistakes.
2. Assess Your Feelings.
I know that it sucks right now. It’s probably going to suck for a while. But there needs to be time taken to unpack the feelings that you have and release those feelings in whatever fashion that you need—that is safe and healthy. Why do you feel the way that you do? Were your insecurities attacked? Do you feel like you were made to look silly? Are you worried what others may think? did they break your trust? Were they rude? Inconsiderate? Once you figure out what your true feelings are only then can you figure out a plan of action to better yourself and realize what the problem is between you and the person who hurt you.
3. Forgive The Other Person.
You have to avoid negativity. The more you add into your spirit is only going to keep you in a dark place. This can lead you down a road unlike yourself and away from the love and care that you need. I’m not saying to forget what happened because this may or may not be a red flag and this experience is going to shape you into the person that you are today. You have learned something new about yourself and the other person. But there is no need to add fuel to the fire – we are trying to put it out. You need to forgive the other person and let it go.
4. Forgive Yourself.
This was not your fault. No matter the issue, no one asks to be hurt. It’s a terrible feeling that no one should have to deal with and in some cases, communication could’ve been the saving grace. But such is life, and we can only continue to move forward. Healing starts from within. Feelings are intangible, meaning you can’t just slap a bandage on the issue. A wounded mind and spirit has different steps to mend. But it’s your choice what actions and what energy you put out. You can’t control anyone else but yourself. So forgive yourself for any moment of weakness and get up, and give love another try.
5. Set A Goal.
The ball is now in your court. What outcome are you looking for after everything is said and done? Whether or not you choose to continue your relationship with whoever hurt you or move them out of the equation is your choice. Your life is yours to live and you deserve to be happy. So what does that look like to you? Once you figure that out, set some boundaries and stick to them. Let it be known what you want and make sure to play devil’s advocate and hold yourself accountable as well in the situation. Be self-aware about the entirety of the relationship and then move accordingly.
6. Take Your Time.
This is the true remedy for it all. Pay attention to the actions of yours and others. Are you all sticking to the plan? Are your feelings the same or have they shifted? This can only be seen with patience to the process. Do not rush your healing. You now have time to wade in it all. Make note of what you learn on your journey and continue to heal.
7. Surround Yourself With Loved Ones.
Family and friends are your backbones right now. Though some may not agree with your choices, know that this comes out of love because they don’t want to see you hurt either. Make sure that the people around you are respectful of your decisions and continually speak life into you during this journey. Take their advice lightly, because no situation will be the complete same to yours. You make the ultimate decision that is best for you. They are going to help you in your time of need and whenever you feel lonely, call them. When you’re not strong, lean on them.
8. Practice Self-Care.
Do things that help you relax and unwind. GET AWAY FROM SOCIAL MEDIA. Take a bath every once in a while. Scented candles, especially the aromatherapeutic ones have been shown to aid in stress reduction. Get back into your hobbies or try something new. But DO NOT let this affect your normal habits to stay healthy. Continue to eat—treat yourself to something sweet! Do not deprive yourself of anything, that will do more harm than good. Online shopping has been a personal favorite of mine (responsibly).
9. Stay Positive.
Continue to create spaces that bring you joy. The atmosphere should be nothing short of happiness—because that’s what you deserve. There will be times when you have a thought that may bring you down, but always remember: “It’s not a bad life, just a bad day.” From there tell yourself that everything will be okay. Laugh at the little things and keep faith that you will feel normally soon—a new normal.
10. Pray/Meditate
For those who are religious, give everything to God. I’ve learned that it helps to also have “anchor scriptures” as well to rely on when you have a heavy spirit. Phillipians 4:13 KJV says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” God loves you and never lets you go through a storm alone. Pray when you’re losing your way. For those who aren’t religious, take time to meditate. Clear your mind and just breathe. Speak positive affirmations and repeat them: You are strong. You are beautiful. You are forgiven.
Forgiveness isn’t tricky, but it also isn’t easy. The pathway to forgiveness is not for the weak but it makes you stronger and it releases a burden off of your shoulders. It looks differently for all and in different situations. But with time, it is always the key to healing.
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