Understanding The 5 Love Languages: What's Yours?
By: Kathleen Santos
Have you ever taken the garbage out for your girlfriend without asking and she didn’t thank you? Or maybe you attempted to surprise your husband by door-dashing some lunch, but he complained that it was a waste of money and impersonal. Have you tagged your boyfriend on your IG or Twitter to wish them ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ and he didn’t bother to like it…just ignored it?
Now, we all know that these types of situations happen all the time and a fight is 99.9% inevitable each time, right? Someone most definitely will end up getting the silent treatment or maybe even yelled at, while the other likely would feel pretty unappreciated or taken for granted.
So, what is the secret sauce to avoiding some of this drama? This might depend on who you ask, but according to author and marriage counselor, Gary Chapman, Ph.D., if we want to be clear about what we want, avoid unnecessary drama, and get our romantic relationships to really flourish, we need to learn how to speak each other's language.
We all express and receive love differently. Even if you’ve just started dating someone special, are in a newly committed relationship, or if you’ve got some good time-in as an established couple, we can all agree that we all have experienced misunderstandings in matters of the heart and in the end, we all just want to be loved and understood. For nearly 30 years, Dr. Chapman has been helping to improve relationships with his very practical approach to understanding the differences in how we communicate love, so that we can understand each other on a deeper level. And bonus! This will likely keep us out of the petty drama too...
Let’s take a look at what he’s described as the Five Love Languages:
Words Of Affirmation
When this is someone’s primary love language, it means they need words of affection, praise, and encouragement. Text them a motivational quote on their way to a job interview, pray with them when they’re going through a rough time or give them a call to let them know they’re on your mind.
What won’t work? Undue criticism, harsh words or a rough tone.
Quality Time
This person’s love language requires your full attention as a way to show your love and affection. Be fully present, focused on them. Cook dinner or do laundry together! Be fully engaged when he talks to you about the importance of voting in local elections.
What won’t work? Checking your phone every few minutes. And don’t wait too long between meetings please.
Physical Touch
For this person who has this as their primary language, love and affection is expressed nonverbally. This could mean spooning in bed, a long hug before you go to work, sitting close to each other while watching some tv, or holding hands from the car to the grocery store.
What won’t work? Simple...physical neglect!
Acts Of Service
When this is someone’s love language, it means they feel loved and appreciated when you do things that they would find helpful or kind, big or small, especially without them asking you! This could mean taking his car to get the oil changed, folding the laundry that’s been sitting in the dryer, or post your favorite picture of her with flames!
What won’t work? Overcommitment, breaking promises.
Receiving Gifts
For this person, it’s not necessarily all about expensive gifts. Love and affection is expressed best if you put some careful thought behind it. While they probably won’t complain about being gifted a luxury brand purse or the latest Samsung Galaxy for their birthday, she’d really appreciate it if you commemorated her recent promotion with her favorite perfume or if you bought him that PS5, just because...
What won’t work? Buying random presents with no meaning. Don’t you dare forget birthdays, anniversaries.
Communication is at the heart of any solid relationship. Feeling like we are being loved as we understand love to be is everything! Putting in the time to understand each other’s love language and adjust how we communicate, not only is going to score you major points with your loved one, but they’ll recognize that you’re reinforcing your commitment to them by prioritizing their needs. The secret sauce is pretty practical advice, there really is no rocket science here. Take the quiz to determine your language!
YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:
