Red vs. Green Flags: 18 Green Flags You Should Look For In A Healthy Relationship
By: Kathleen Santos
When you ask someone about what traits they are looking for in a person they are dating, they might be quick to rattle off all the usual surface-level type of qualities, like: They have to be funny, smart, healthy; have to have a stable job, dress nice, and hopefully we like the same basketball or football teams; obviously, they smell good, and are really easy to look at, and bedroom chemistry is on point…Pretty straightforward list.
But, let’s be honest. When it comes down to it, while many of these traits will be important to physical and intellectual chemistry, they may be better described as preferences. They aren’t qualities that are going to be what strengthens a relationship dynamic, so that they can withstand stress or conflict as a couple effectively.
With an enduring relationship in mind, you’d need to do some work and figure out if you all have some depth in compatibility as well, so that you can get that “If I Ain’t Got You” kind of love we heard about from Alicia Keys when we were growing up.
What exactly should we be looking for then? Surprisingly, we may not be as quick to rattle off these requirements. In fact, we might come back expeditiously with red flags ready, “... I’ll tell you what I DON’T want!”... Maybe you’ve shared something to that effect with others before? Yeah, me too.
While the list of red flags are easier to recall, don’t worry, this doesn’t make you or I a pessimist or cynic. We’ve just been conditioned to look for these red flags. Our own testimonies of heartbreak along with witnessing others go through it definitely influences our views on them. And wouldn’t you know it…science has something to say about it too.
According to WebMD, there are quite a few research studies out there that support why we tend to remember the negatives or bad memories more vividly compared to those positive or good memories. The studies suggest that recalling the negatives might be due to an evolutionary response, a sort of survival mechanism. Case in point, if we went on safari in Botswana, we innately know to keep our eyes on that tall grass where the lions or lionesses are hiding ready to snatch their meals. Arms and legs inside the truck during the tour - pretty clear.
Back to red flags…again, while we recognize that we need to pay attention to them, we also need to make sure we are equally focused, if not more so, on green flags. What exactly are green flags anyway? These are personality and behavioral traits that can support a lasting relationship dynamic. Specifically, these traits can help create space for more vulnerability and enable deeper compassion for one another, which is essential as the couple gets to know who they are completely, and for true intimacy to be established. The more green flags your partner exhibits, the greater the chances are for long term potential! Let’s take a look at some notable ones below:
Healthy Green Flags
Knows who they are and what they want… is unapologetically authentic!
Demonstrates and encourages vulnerability
Makes you feel emotionally safe
Capable of consistent, open, and honest communication
An optimist; can easily see the positive in any situation
Aligned to their life’s purpose, personally and/or professionally
Supportive of your aspirations and encourages personal growth
Willing and open to reach a compromise
Listens to understand rather than listening to respond
Practices and prioritizes self-care/ self-love
Is calm and respectful during arguments
Feels responsible and is accountable for their own happiness
Holds you accountable for your own happiness
Admits when they’re wrong and knows when/how to apologize
Understands that there is space for alone time or for friendships outside of the relationship
Doesn’t disrespect you, behind your back or in public
Practical when under pressure and exhibits maturity
Knows your love language(s), so they understand how to love you correctly (see recent article on Understanding the Five Love Languages)
This list is not all inclusive of course, and we need to consider we all have different requirements. So, whether you're single, dating, or committed, I would encourage you to reflect on those green flags that are most important to your relationship dynamic and start building your own checklist. Superficial preferences aside, determining compatibility will require more from us, especially if we’re after what Ms. Alicia is singing about. We’ll be better equipped to be in tune with ourselves and our partner’s authentic self as long as we have the courage to hold each other accountable for identifying and expressing our values and beliefs to one another.
“Some people think / That the physical things define what’s within / And I’ve been there before / That life’s a bore / So full of the superficial / Some people want it all / But I don't want nothing at all. If it ain't you baby" - Alicia Keys
YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:
