A Dream Deferred, A Purpose to be Fulfilled
“There were moments this year where I really questioned what God was doing and why. Why was I going through all this and watching some of my life-long dreams slip away from me?”
By: Danielle Wright
Growing up, I thought I would be married with kids by now. I thought I would be living the life I lived growing up – traveling the world with my husband and kids, getting together with my brother and his family so that our kids would grow up together. Now, I look at my life and see that my plans were grand, but maybe not what my life was supposed to be. Let society tell it, I’ve failed as a woman and there is something wrong with me for not even being married at this point. I am a 36-year-old, single, black, Christian woman and let church folks tell it, I might be intentionally delaying my destiny.
Either way, for some reason, it seems that women are expected to live a certain life by a certain age and if we are not doing so, something must be wrong with us. This thinking – along with some of the comments directed at me – left me quite jaded for some years. Over the last few years, I really became beside myself with the things people say – no – think they have the right to say – to women. My mood had become – “Stay off my ring finger and out of my reproductive system.” I was mean because I felt disrespected.
I had to often hold my tongue so I would not say things that would intentionally hurt others, but sometimes I asked why they felt they could ask me these questions. The response was always something related to what they thought or believed a woman of my age and intelligence and whatever else should be or have. They always thought it was a compliment, but it was more a reminder that my life was not what I thought it would be… until recently.
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2018 has brought some really tough challenges for me. One of those challenges was the realization I could not have children – so all those questions about when I was going to get married and put my reproductive system to use stung even more than ever before. And while these people do not know what my situation is, it should not have mattered. There are just some things you should never say to people – asking single women why we are not married and telling us we should be having kids by now are at the top of that list (for me). Quite frankly, it’s none of anyone’s business. Some people mean well, but others are just being nosey and want to provide input and advice where they were not asked and where it is not their place.
There were moments this year where I really questioned what God was doing and why. Why was I going through all this and watching some of my life-long dreams slip away from me? Was this really what He had for me? Was this truly my destiny? I always assumed I would get married and birth some beautiful, intelligent, athletic babies – I wanted a house filled with kids. I wanted my own starting lineup! As time went on this year, I became more aware that the situation I was facing would not only threaten those dreams but kill those dreams. In May, the dream of birthing my own children was officially ousted. I was, and still am, crushed. But in my brokenness, I found something greater.
In my brokenness I found - ME.
The discomfort and the pain forced me to face a fear – the fear of living this life without fulfilling one of my greatest dreams. Deep down I know I can be a mother in so many other ways but, while I was processing this situation, I didn’t care anything about alternative means of motherhood. I wanted kids the way I wanted and was inconsolable to alternatives. But in the midst of this pain – in the midst of deep mourning and uncertainty, I found a version of myself I had never met -- stronger, more determined and more resilient. I found a version of myself that refused to succumb to my own pain or buy into anyone else’s expectations.
I truly began to see myself as a whole woman made in the image of God, not in the eyes of society. I saw myself as the alternative - having a desire to marry and have a family yet understand and being at peace with the fact that I am no less a woman if those things do not happen. I began to speak over myself the things that God said I am (Proverbs 31, Proverbs 11:16, Titus 2:3-5, Matthew 5:1-12, Psalm 8:3-8, Deuteronomy 10:17-19, and more). It’s so easy to get caught up in what others think of you and pressure yourself to fit into a mold not meant for you.
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My brokenness helped me break the mold. It helped me cry out to God in ways and with a frequency to which I was not accustomed. But I found a newer version of me - an improved version. I was finally able to accept the alternative methods of motherhood and understood that I could not have mothered anyone in my condition. I suddenly had a deeper and completely raw understanding of letting go of what I want in order for God to give me everything I need.
In May 2018 I underwent life-changing surgery. It was not what I wanted, but it was what I needed. It shifted my health and began the process of healing from a condition that had overtaken my existence - I was fatigued, in constant excruciating pain, bleeding uncontrollably and randomly and on treatments that my body was rejecting, rendering them ineffective and useless. As time has gone on since the surgery, I have learned the following:
God is greater than our plans. His forward-thinking and ability to see the best for us causes Him to work things out for us in ways that are truly beneficial for us, even if we cannot immediately recognize that work.
Our purpose is not tied up in what we’ve been through or what others say about us. Our purpose is intricately and delicately planned by God and no one’s opinion can change what He has purposed us to do.
Motherhood is more than conceiving, carrying and birthing. It is one of the most pure and divine forms of love anyone can give or receive. It is not determined by a woman’s ability to physically give birth, rather it is the ability to put yourself to the side, sacrifice, nurture, care for and raise up another human being to be the best version of themself. Women are so much more than our reproductive systems and, no matter how faulty, we are still fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.
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God has not forgotten me. I believe He is preparing a means for me to be a mother to children who desperately need the love and care that only a mother can provide. Moreover, I know He took me through some low points to show me that neither hell, high water, low valleys, dark nights nor mourning can keep me from living in my purpose. What He has predestined for me to be, I shall be and He has equipped me with everything I need to live in that purpose.
God takes everything we are, everything we’ve been through and everything we need and creates this beautiful masterpiece - unique, beautifully flawed, priceless. I look back on what I’ve overcome and see that each stroke of God’s brush - the pain, the courageous moments, the health scares, the uncertainty, the anger and all that followed by moments of triumph, victory and joy - brought me to the point where I can now stand in the face of those things that once worried and upset me and say, “My purpose is sure.”
Physically birthing a child passed me over, but I am grateful God has held my position and reaffirmed my purpose - to be a mother.
John 15:16 - “You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.”
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