The TRUTH About CONFRONTATION: Speak What You Need
By: Jamila Gomez
I recently started a life coaching practice. Since I’ve started, and even a multitude of times before, I've had numerous conversations with people of all walks of life and one of the things that comes up quite a bit comes in the context of standing up for oneself. They have an issue with a person or people, but they don’t say anything to that person or people. So many people are letting people walk all over them, staying silent about the things they need, desire, and deserve because they "don't like confrontation". And I’m just gonna say it…
STOP DOING THAT!!!!!!
When people think of confrontation, it’s usually connected to some sort of trauma or negative experience from one’s past. They spoke up about something that bothered them and the other person made them feel small or silly because of it. So, ever since, they’ve lived a life of holding everything inside to keep from feeling that negative emotion attached to speaking. It’s unfortunate, but this is how it is for so many people.
Confrontation does NOT have to be drama-filled. It doesn't have to consist of hollering, arguing, fussing and fighting, and getting in each other's faces. I understand that there is a fear of hurting someone's feelings, having had bad experiences in the past, or even lacking the confidence. Some of you may even be struggling to put into perspective what you truly need or want. Perhaps you feel like you may be overreacting by speaking up about something "small". I GET IT!!!!
But here's the thing. Small things grow into bigger things when you don't tackle it head-on at the start. The other part of it is knowing that what may be small to someone else is obviously something big for you, or else you wouldn’t be bothered by it. And like I said before, it doesn't have to be a big nasty production. Just sit down like adults and have a civil conversation with each other. Maybe you can write down some bullet points so you can stay on track with what you need to say. But you mustn't stay silent about what matters to you any longer.
The more you speak up and speak out, the more confident you will become. Not only that, but confrontation allows each person to be heard and for each person to listen. That is the only way anything will mend. You cannot expect things to magically disappear if you don't address it. You have to get to a point where you can be the bigger person. Get it out of your mind by letting it out of your mouth. Don’t be afraid to be bold in saying what you need. No one is a mind reader. So you need to get clear on what it is that you do need.
But the bottom line is that it doesn’t have to be some dramatic production. And if it ends up being that, perhaps a professional is necessary. Otherwise, set the intention that it’ll go smoothly with just talking. It’s okay if passion takes control and voices raise occasionally. At the end of the day, you have to be brave enough to speak what you need, or else, you’d never get it.
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