The Difference Between Chemistry & Compatibility: What Really Matters in Love
Understanding the difference between chemistry and compatibility in relationships can help you build lasting love by balancing passion with shared values, communication, and long-term stability. We discuss it here!
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By: Jamila Gomez
Love is a tricky game. One minute, you’re caught up in a whirlwind romance, feeling butterflies every time they text. The next, you’re side-eyeing them across the room, realizing you don’t actually like the same things, want the same future, or even argue in a way that makes sense. This is where the great debate begins: chemistry vs. compatibility—which one really matters in love?
What is Chemistry?
Chemistry is that instant spark. It’s the energy between two people that makes you feel drawn to them, sometimes without even knowing why. It’s the way they make you laugh, the inside jokes, the effortless conversation, and that deep, unspoken attraction that keeps you coming back for more. Chemistry is what makes a date go from “it was cool” to “I can’t stop thinking about them.”
But here’s the catch: chemistry alone won’t hold a relationship together. It’s like fireworks—beautiful and exciting but burns out quickly if there’s nothing to sustain it.
What is Compatibility?
Compatibility is the long game. It’s the foundation that keeps the house standing when the honeymoon phase fades. Being compatible means you and your partner align in important areas: values, goals, lifestyles, and the way you handle conflict.
Compatibility doesn’t always come with an immediate spark, which is why people sometimes overlook it. But it’s the reason some relationships last while others crash and burn.
Which One Matters More?
Let’s be real—chemistry feels amazing. It makes you giddy, makes your heart race, and gives you that feeling that you’ve found “the one.” But if you’re not compatible, all that excitement will eventually turn into frustration.
Think about it: You could have crazy chemistry with someone, but if they don’t respect your boundaries, don’t want the same type of relationship, or handle stress in a way that doesn’t align with yours, that chemistry won’t save you.
On the flip side, you could meet someone who is highly compatible—they share your values, communicate well, and want the same things—but if there’s no chemistry, the relationship might feel more like a friendship than a romance.
So, What’s the Answer?
Ideally, you want both. Chemistry makes things exciting, but compatibility keeps things stable. The best relationships have a balance of both—passion with a purpose, attraction with alignment.
If you’re caught up in a connection that’s all spark but no substance, ask yourself: Can I build a real future with this person? And if you’re in a relationship that makes sense on paper but lacks excitement, consider: Can we create a deeper connection over time?
At the end of the day, love should feel good and make sense. Don’t settle for just a spark or just stability—aim for a love that gives you both.
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5 Reasons Black Women Choose to Embrace Singleness
In recent years, there has been a noticeable increase in the number of Black women choosing and proudly embracing the single life. We discuss it here!
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By: Jamila Gomez
In recent years, there has been a noticeable increase in the number of Black women choosing and proudly embracing the single life. Whether in professional settings, social circles, or the media, many Black women are consciously opting to prioritize their personal growth, independence, and overall well-being by remaining unattached. While societal stereotypes may suggest that this trend is a product of difficulty finding suitable partners or commitment issues, the truth is far more complex and empowering. Let’s shed light on why Black women are increasingly choosing to be single and celebrate their independence, self-love, and freedom.
1. Breaking Societal Expectations:
Black women have long been burdened with societal expectations regarding relationships and marriage. Traditional norms often depicted them as caretakers, sacrificing their own interests and dreams. However, a cultural shift has magnified the importance of self-worth and autonomy, challenging these outdated stereotypes. Modern Black women are embracing their identity, pursuing their passions, and refusing to feel pressured into relationships that do not align with their personal goals.
2. Prioritizing Personal Growth:
Choosing to be single allows individuals to fully commit to personal growth without distractions. Black women, like anyone else, desire to explore their full potential, build successful careers, and cultivate their own identities. By remaining single, these women can channel their energy into self-development, education, and professional goals, empowering themselves both personally and financially.
3. Reclaiming Control Over Relationships:
Historically, Black women's relationships have been influenced by systemic injustices, such as the reinforcement of stereotypes, oppressive gender roles, racism, and the persistent struggle for equality. By choosing singleness, Black women can reclaim control over their romantic lives, deciding for themselves what they need, desire, and deserve in a partnership. Opting for singleness empowers Black women to negotiate their own terms, building relationships based on mutual respect and equality.
4. Healing and Self-Love:
Embracing the single life enables Black women to invest more time in self-care, emotional healing, and self-love. In a society that hasn't always prioritized them, this decision allows them to focus on introspection, self-reflection, and rediscovering themselves. It serves as a powerful act of self-affirmation, fostering mental and emotional well-being, and paving the way for healthier future relationships.
5. Disrupting Stereotypes:
By actively choosing to be single, Black women demonstrate that their worth and happiness are not tied to their relationship status. This self-affirming decision challenges stereotypes that have perpetuated the notion that a woman's ultimate goal and fulfillment rest solely within a romantic partnership. It breaks free from the notion that singledom implies inadequacy, loneliness, or failure, urging society to recognize and respect the diverse paths women choose to follow.
As more Black women confidently embrace the single life, they are forging new paths, reclaiming their power, and rewriting societal narratives. Their decision to remain unattached is rooted in self-love, personal growth, and a desire for independence. By challenging traditional expectations, they demonstrate that fulfillment thrives not only within relationships but also in the realms of individuality, growth, and empowerment. In doing so, Black women are redefining their identities and inspiring others, sparking conversations around self-worth, personal fulfillment, and the importance of autonomy for women everywhere.
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Emotional Unavailability: The Silent Barrier in Relationships
In the vast world of relationships, emotional availability plays a crucial role in creating and maintaining a healthy bond. We discuss it here!
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By: Jamila Gomez
In the vast world of relationships, emotional availability plays a crucial role in creating and maintaining a healthy bond. It is the ability to connect with another person at a deep emotional level, being present and responsive to their needs. But what happens when one or both partners struggle with emotional unavailability? This silent barrier can significantly impact the quality and longevity of a relationship.
Emotional unavailability refers to an individual's inability or unwillingness to be emotionally vulnerable with their partner. It might manifest in various ways, such as avoiding discussions about feelings, showing a lack of interest in their partner's emotions, or even becoming distant and detached. While it is essential to acknowledge that everyone has their own emotional needs and boundaries, emotional unavailability becomes an issue when it hinders growth and intimacy within a relationship.
Factors of emotional unavailability
One of the primary causes of emotional unavailability is past trauma or unresolved emotional wounds. Previous experiences, such as a history of abuse or neglect, can create deep-rooted fears and anxieties that make it difficult for individuals to trust and open up. They may have developed defense mechanisms to protect themselves from further emotional harm, leading to an emotional wall that isolates them from their partner.
Another significant factor is a fear of rejection or abandonment. Past heartbreaks or the fear of vulnerability can lead individuals to avoid getting too close to someone else emotionally. They may have convinced themselves that emotional distance is a way to protect themselves from inevitable pain, but in reality, it prevents them from experiencing the deep connections and love they desire.
Emotional unavailability isn't limited to avoiding emotions; it can also come in the form of emotional over-investment in other areas of life. Work, hobbies, or addictions can serve as distractions, allowing individuals to avoid addressing their emotions or connecting with their partner on a deeper level. The constant busyness or focus on external accomplishments creates a barrier that prevents them from fully engaging in the relationship.
Effects Of Emotional Unavailability
The effects of emotional unavailability can be detrimental to a relationship. It creates a sense of disconnection, leaving the emotionally available partner feeling isolated, unimportant, and even desperate for emotional reciprocity. The lack of emotional support may cause them to question their partner's love or commitment, leading to increased anxiety and stress within the relationship.
Over time, the emotionally available partner may begin to withdraw, protecting themselves from further emotional pain. This cycle of disconnection and detachment can ultimately erode the foundation of the relationship, leading to communication breakdowns, resentment, and even the end of the relationship altogether.
Recognizing emotional unavailability in oneself or a partner is the first step towards addressing the issue. It requires a willingness to be introspective and explore the underlying causes of this emotional barrier. Seeking therapy or counseling can be immensely helpful, as it provides a safe space to unpack past trauma and develop healthier ways of engaging emotionally in relationships.
For the emotionally unavailable partner, understanding their fears and learning to trust their partner is crucial. Slowly allowing themselves to be vulnerable, step by step, can help rebuild the foundation of trust and intimacy. Being open to honest communication, empathizing with their partner's emotions, and actively participating in relationship-building activities can all contribute to bridging the emotional gap.
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8 Questions to Ask in the Early Stages of Dating
Dating is an exciting and often nerve-wracking experience, especially in the early stages when you're getting to know someone. Here are 8 important questions to ask in the early stages of dating! We discuss it here!
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By: Jamila Gomez
Dating is an exciting and often nerve-wracking experience, especially in the early stages when you're getting to know someone. As you start to explore the potential for a deeper connection, it's essential to ask the right questions to gain insight into your partner's values, beliefs, and goals. Asking the right questions can help you understand if you’re compatible and act as a foundation for a healthy and long-lasting relationship. Here are some important questions to ask in the early stages of dating:
What are you looking for in a relationship?
Understanding your partner's relationship goals is crucial to ensure you're on the same page. Some people might be looking for something casual, while others might be seeking a committed and long-term partnership. Asking this question early on can save both parties from significant heartache down the line if their expectations don't align.
What are your interests and hobbies?
Finding shared interests and hobbies is an excellent way to bond and build a connection. It also provides an opportunity to learn about each other's passions and gauge if you have enough common ground to sustain a relationship.
How do you handle conflict or disagreements?
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, and understanding how they handle disagreements can give you insights into their communication style and problem-solving abilities. Look for someone who is open to dialogue, compromise, and constructive resolution rather than someone who avoids conflicts entirely or becomes aggressive.
How do you spend your free time?
Understanding how your partner spends their free time can reveal their priorities and values. It can also help you gauge if they have a healthy work-life balance or if their lifestyle aligns with yours.
What are your long-term aspirations and goals?
A person's vision for their future is an integral part of their identity. Asking about their long-term aspirations and goals will not only provide you with a glimpse into their ambitions but also help you ensure they align with your own aspirations and overall life goals.
What has been your most significant life experience or achievement?
Asking about a person's significant life experience or achievement can give you deeper insight into their personal growth and the values they hold dear. It also provides an opportunity for meaningful storytelling and bonding.
Do you have any deal-breakers in a relationship?
We all have deal-breakers, specific behaviors, or characteristics that we cannot compromise on in a relationship. Asking this question can help you better understand your partner's boundaries, and it allows you both to consider if you can meet each other's needs without compromising your principles.
What are your views on [insert important topic]?
Depending on your personal values, it can be crucial to ask about specific topics that matter most to you, like religion, politics, or family dynamics. These conversations can help you gauge compatibility and ensure you have shared values on what could be important issues.
Remember, these questions are meant to foster meaningful conversations and help you assess your compatibility. While it's essential to ask questions, it's equally important to actively listen and respect your partner's responses. Communication and understanding are key to building a strong and lasting connection.
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5 Reasons Black Women Struggle To Find Genuine Love
In the intricate dance of love and relationships, Black women confront a unique set of challenges that weave through societal stereotypes, cultural expectations, and historical narratives, creating a tapestry of complexities that shape their pursuit of genuine love. We discuss 5 reasons black women struggle to find love here!
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By: Jamila Gomez
In the intricate dance of love and relationships, Black women confront a unique set of challenges that weave through societal stereotypes, cultural expectations, and historical narratives, creating a tapestry of complexities that shape their pursuit of genuine love.
Persistent Stereotypes and Media Representation:
In the realm of love, Black women often find themselves facing persistent stereotypes that inadvertently create barriers to genuine connections. The portrayal of Black women as strong, independent, and self-reliant discourages vulnerability, implying an expectation to face struggles alone. Consequently, expressing emotional needs and fears becomes a daunting task, as it might be perceived as a sign of weakness or neediness.
Racial Bias and Prejudice:
Dating dynamics are influenced by racial bias, with studies suggesting that Black women experience discrimination both offline and online. Dating apps, in particular, report racial biases in profile preferences, resulting in a diminished likelihood of Black women receiving positive responses. These biases not only perpetuate harmful stereotypes but also undermine the chances of Black women finding authentic connections.
Cultural Expectations and Family Pressures:
Cultural expectations and family pressures play a significant role in shaping Black women's pursuit of genuine love. Balancing the honor of family traditions with the pursuit of personal happiness can create internal conflicts, complicating the journey toward enduring love.
Intersectionality and Double Discrimination:
The struggles faced by Black women are compounded by intersectionality, navigating both race and gender-based discrimination. This double discrimination affects confidence, self-esteem, and overall dating experiences, highlighting the need for society to understand and address the complexities of identity while fostering an inclusive platform for finding love.
Historical Narratives and Emotional Baggage:
Centuries of enslavement, systemic racism, and societal marginalization have left an enduring impact on the Black community. Historical narratives of relationships and lovelessness can impact Black women's emotional well-being, creating obstacles when trying to find genuine love. Addressing this emotional baggage requires acknowledgment, empathy, and healing; it is a necessary step toward fostering lasting love.
In recognizing and dismantling these barriers, society can pave the way for a more inclusive and equitable dating landscape. It is not merely about understanding; it's about actively challenging biased notions, fostering empathy, and providing platforms that celebrate diverse love stories. The road to discovering authentic love for Black women involves grappling with stereotypes, racism, cultural expectations, and emotional baggage. By acknowledging these challenges, society can debunk prejudices and ensure all individuals have the opportunities and support they deserve in their quest for genuine love.
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Self-Sabotage: Getting in Our Own Way in Love
Self-sabotage in relationships can take various forms, such as pushing away a partner, avoiding commitment, or engaging in destructive behaviors. We discuss it here!
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By: Jamila Gomez
Relationships are complex and often demand effort, compromise, and vulnerability from both individuals involved. However, some individuals may repeatedly engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Self-sabotage in relationships can take various forms, such as pushing away a partner, avoiding commitment, or engaging in destructive behaviors. To understand why people self-sabotage in relationships, it's essential to explore several underlying factors and patterns.
Fear of Intimacy:
For some, past negative experiences, trauma, or a fear of vulnerability can trigger self-sabotaging behaviors. Consequently, individuals may emotionally withdraw, be overly critical, or create conflicts to protect themselves from potential emotional pain.
Low Self-Worth:
A lack of self-worth can lead to self-sabotage in relationships. Those with low self-esteem may engage in behaviors undermining their relationships, such as seeking validation outside the relationship or questioning their partner's intentions.
Fear of Rejection:
The fear of rejection can be a powerful force. Individuals who've experienced past rejections may engage in behaviors pushing their partner away before facing potential rejection.
Commitment Issues:
Some struggle with commitment due to deep-seated fears and insecurities. Commitment phobia may manifest as self-sabotage when facing the possibility of a long-term relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations:
Unrealistic expectations can strain relationships. Holding high standards for oneself or their partner can lead to self-sabotage, resulting in constant disappointment.
To overcome self-sabotage, individuals should seek self-awareness and understand the root causes triggering their disruptive behaviors. Consider therapy or counseling to address emotional wounds, insecurities, or fears. Building healthy self-esteem is crucial, enabling individuals to participate in loving relationships without self-sabotage.
Communication is key. Open and honest conversations with a partner can help express fears and concerns, fostering a supportive environment. Embracing vulnerability and learning to trust oneself and the partner can help overcome self-sabotaging patterns, cultivating healthier connections
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The Evolution of Dating and Relationships in the Social Media Era
While there are undeniable advantages to the rise of social media in the dating world, there are also significant downsides, creating a complex and multifaceted impact. We discuss it here!
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By: Jamila Gomez
In just a few short years, social media has drastically changed the landscape of dating and relationships. It has not only revolutionized how people meet, connect, and communicate but has also influenced the way individuals perceive themselves and others. While there are undeniable advantages to the rise of social media in the dating world, there are also significant downsides, creating a complex and multifaceted impact.
One of the most apparent changes brought about by social media is the way people meet and form relationships. Online dating platforms, such as Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid, have become increasingly popular, with millions of users worldwide. They offer a convenient and efficient way for individuals to search for potential partners based on shared interests, compatibility, and location.
Moreover, social media has opened up new avenues for communication and connection. Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter provide endless opportunities to interact with others, breaking traditional barriers of time and space. Messages can be sent in an instant, photos can be shared with a click, and status updates allow individuals to keep up with each other's lives, even when physically distant.
However, this constant connectivity has also had negative ramifications in the dating world. One of the notable downsides of social media is the pressure it places on individuals to curate and present an idealized version of themselves. People carefully select which photos to upload, meticulously edit their posts, and often strive to portray an image of a perfect life. This phenomenon, commonly referred to as "highlight reel syndrome," can lead to feelings of inadequacy, as individuals compare their own lives to the seemingly perfect lives of others.
Furthermore, social media can breed feelings of jealousy and insecurity within relationships. With constant access to each other's online profiles, it becomes easy to monitor and scrutinize every interaction, like, or comment, leading to trust issues and increased suspicion. The presence of ex-partners or potential love interests on social media can also be a source of conflict, as individuals may feel threatened or uneasy about their partner's online behavior.
Another significant concern is the potential for cyberbullying and online harassment affecting relationships. Hurtful comments, rumors, or private information can easily go viral, leading to emotional distress, embarrassment, or even the breakdown of a relationship. Additionally, the constant presence of social media can lead to obsessive behavior, with individuals constantly checking their partner's online activity, making it difficult to maintain healthy boundaries and privacy.
Despite these challenges, social media has also facilitated positive changes in relationships. It provides a means for couples to stay connected even when physically apart, sharing experiences and fostering intimacy. It also allows individuals to express love and affection publicly, celebrating milestones or showcasing their commitment. For long-distance relationships, social media offers a platform where partners can communicate daily, bridging the physical gap.
Ultimately, the impact of social media on dating and relationships is a mixed bag. While it has broadened the playing field, making it easier for individuals to meet potential partners, it has also brought about challenges that can strain relationships. It is crucial for individuals to navigate the world of social media mindfully, finding a balance between the benefits and risks. Establishing clear boundaries, open communication, and setting realistic expectations can help harness the positive aspects of social media while mitigating its negative impact.
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There's Something Special About Black Love and It Should Be Celebrated
There's something very special about Black love and the bond that comes with it! We discuss it here!
By: Jordan King
While February is proudly Black History Month, we also observe a special day for the celebration of love in all forms and fashions. When it comes to speaking about love within the Black community at large, this topic is so vast and at times controversial. Everyone (rightfully so) has different and conflicting perspectives. However, all of our people deserve and are entitled to love; especially when we have done that inner work to heal and be the best version of a mate for your significant other!
To be able to love freely and unapologetically is a divine right. Love should not be complicated, however, naturally things happen. Now, for some reason when it comes to Black love; it’s not just complicated but complex. The presence of Blacks in America spans over 400 years yet somehow we have managed to maintain our kind. Traditionally, media has struggled with how to properly represent affection, care, and love when it comes to colored people. Often times our love is seen as too dramatic, toxic or situation based. Now of course that’s not to say that America misrepresents other cultures too.
Admittedly; while my parents are divorced, I have been grateful to witness other examples of healthy relationships and marriages. Also it’s very important to acknowledge the valleys in various stages of relationships, as not every day will be easy or disagreements will arise. On the other side, people can eventually grow apart and lead cordial lives. Nonetheless, the goal of our generation should be to not only redefine the definition of love in modern times; yet also maintain the essence of what love has always been!
The illusion of options will unfortunately make it hard for us to be able to properly find their person. In the past, people were relegated to shorter radiuses to find their lifelong partners. However, this also can be a positive! For instance, two people that were meant for each other but maybe distance would’ve prevented them from ever meeting; could manifest a connection through the tools of technology.
While I do believe in the concept of “love is love”, as well as the idea that anybody can find their person within anyone else; there’s just something so unique about the love affair between two Black people, as well as the care and intimacy that they are able to show due to the combined history and lineage. Honestly, it is through the strife that Black people have experienced throughout our collective history, that we have been able to transmute that pain into an overall deep love and care. A force so mighty that when applied properly can be miraculous, as well as even generation binding.
Some, and hopefully more of you will get the chance to experience family reunions with true elders. Those that have the matriarchs & patriarchs that can truly pass on a long history, as well as being able to experience these people up close. One day, those elders (hopefully) will be us!
To be Black, is an honor; A birthright. The ability to find and maintain love while Black, can be challenging; however, ultimately so rewarding. There’s a very unique importance and aspect of love that can always be revealed and nurtured between two people from similar cultures.
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Do You Have Boundaries With Your Ex?
In some relationships, people are able to maintain healthy relationships with their exes, but just how close are you? Here are some things you may be doing with your Ex that are no good because you don’t have any set boundaries!
By: Alyssa Cole
In some relationships, people are able to maintain healthy relationships with their exes, but just how close are you? If you're a fan of the hit Hulu series Insecure, we saw in a recent episode Issa battle with her temptations and sexual desires to not have sex with her old boo Daniel. Most viewers I’m sure were caught off guard at the end of the episode when Issa stops Daniel right in his tracks as he’s beginning to set the mood. Were you not screaming at the television in disbelief?! But this episode had a great lesson in it, which is to have self-control and to definitely set some boundaries! Here are some things you may be doing with your Ex that are no good because you don’t have any set and enforced boundaries!
Having Sex With Your Ex
Now you know you’re wrong for this! But let’s be real, things happen. Is it right or healthy? Of course not! Sure it feels amazing, but it’s not worth it. Some advice? Date somebody new and once you feel they are promising and headed towards something long lasting, become intimate with that person. It’s so easy to get caught up with your ex, especially for the sex, but mentally and emotionally, it’s not a good move in the long run.
Looking At Your Ex’s Social Media Posts And Photos
Now you know better. Ok, I get it, some of you are still friends with your exes but even if you or if you aren’t, refrain from internet stalking them. We all know the average human being is nosey as crap! But once you get on their page and get to scrolling, the next thing you know you’re going down memory lane, thinking about the last time you went out with them, and what made you fall for them in the beginning. DON’T DO IT! If you ever want to truly move on, you should really take a step back from checking their social media and for some people, you may need to remove them from your social media altogether. Thank me later.
Reaching Out To Your Ex When You’re Drinking
Now listen. I don’t even need to go into detail about this one because you know you’re acting up when you do this. One of the most popular things people do especially if the break up is still fresh is reach out when you’re under the influence to your ex. This is never a good idea! This is where having self-control comes into play. Know your triggers! If you know that Sangria or Jack and Coke makes you feel a way and you’re not over your ex, turn your phone off when you’re out or have a friend hold your phone. It’s not childish, it’s called being smart! I’ve had to tell my friends to hold my phone when I knew I was still getting over someone, just to prevent sending something I didn’t mean or worse, sending something I did mean but didn’t have the guts to say when I was sober. Be very careful when you’re under the influence!
Are you guilty of any of those things above? Maybe or maybe not, but the most important thing to remember is to know your triggers and always have self-control. Ask yourself why did you end up breaking up in the first place? Is your current friendship a healthy one? Are you falling back into a place of comfort with them because it’s what you're used to? There isn’t a rule saying you can’t be friends with your ex, but to really help you move forward, it’s important to set clear boundaries and don’t overlook them. Be confident in yourself that you can be happy and satisfied with someone new and especially when you’re by yourself.
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5 Ways To Avoid Having Sex While Dating
You’ve gone on numerous dates and have started really getting to know someone new, but you don’t know if you’re ready to be intimate with your partner! Here are 5 ways to avoid having sex while dating!
By: Alyssa Cole
It’s been a few months, and you’ve gone on numerous dates and have started to really get to know someone new. They're extremely attracted to you mentally and especially physically, but you really want to wait until you’re in a serious and committed relationship to be intimate. There was a time where there was a 90-Day Rule when it came to sex, but over time things have changed and people are letting the flow of how the vibe is with one another decide when the time is right. Although going with the flow is not necessarily a bad thing, you don’t want to let the sexual chemistry cloud the focus on building a solid foundation for the relationship. So what can be done?! Here are a few ways you can avoid having sex while dating.
1) No Home Dates
Trying to decide what to do for a date but you keep thinking about how nice a movie with your favorite take-out cuddled up would be? Stop right there. This is one of the easiest ways to get yourself caught up in a spicy situation with your new boo. We all know a good movie and some extra close touching can lead to much more and it can happen relatively quickly! Try coming up with places to go outside of the house to avoid the extra privacy you’re not ready to have.
2) Avoid Late Meet-ups
Have you ever heard the saying, “The Freaks Come Out At Night"? Yes, this is in fact very true for the average hormonal person. It is more common for someone to think about sexual intercourse the later it gets into the night vs early in the morning or midday. This, of course, varies by the person, but the best thing to do is to arrange plans during the day to make it less of a possibility that you may get tired and potentially desire to stay the night. Which leads me to my next tip.
3) No Sleepovers
I get it. You may be starting to get serious and you have the freedom of staying over each other’s houses. You’re in the faze where you want to see them every other day and spend as much time together, but staying the night is OFF LIMITS! This is definitely the easiest way to end up having sex too soon. You may say to yourself “I can control myself”, early in the night, but then you get comfortable, your favorite love songs are playing, and you find yourself wondering what it would be like to experience that amazing moment with this person your really into right here, right now. Be patient! It’s better to avoid staying the night completely until you are in a serious relationship.
4) Don’t Give The Wrong Impression
How embarrassing is it when your new boo thinks it’s the perfect time to become intimate because your body language is yelling it, but in reality, you aren’t even sure what you’re ready for! Don’t play with their emotions. Don’t start kissing them on their neck or chest and expect them to avoid the temptation. Sex is an intimate thing exchanged between two people and to some, it’s a precious thing to do. Be sure your actions and your mind are on the same level to alleviate any unnecessary confusion. By making it clear you’re not ready and avoiding giving off the wrong vibe, you can avoid your new boo attempting to initiate something sexual.
5) Avoid Things That Trigger Sexual Arousal
It’s no secret people like to drink and some like to take other substances as a form of socializing. If you know that after a few drinks or smoking you may find yourself likely to be in the mood, avoid these behaviors as much as possible when you’re with your partner. You may want to go out for drinks with them and that’s ok, just as long as you know your limit! Knowing what trigger’s you to be sexually aroused, will be crucial to you avoiding having sex too soon.
While all these are great ways to avoid sex, the most important thing you must have is self-control. We live in a time where we want everything fast including relationships, but like all good things that last, it takes time and patience. Just because you wait to take certain big steps doesn’t mean you aren’t seriously interested in the person nor does it mean you won’t become ready at a certain point. Take your time, enjoy the dating phase, and focus on really getting to know the person.
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Relationship Therapy: 4 Steps To Help With Trust Issues In A Relationship
Trust is one of the single most important things there is to have between you and another person in a serious relationship. Here are some relationship tips to help with trust issues in your relationships!
By: Alyssa Cole
Trust is one of the single most important things there is to have between you and another person. Whether it's your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, or even co-workers, having trust is important to the success of all healthy relationships especially a serious relationship. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you lost trust in someone? They lied to you about something? They kept something important from you? They weren’t honest with you about something that was impactful to you?
This is very common! You may see social media today quotes and tweets with people saying things like “I have trust issues”, “I’m afraid to open up”, “I don’t want to get close to anybody”, “I’m tired of being hurt”. Losing trust in someone special to you can seem like the end of the world sometimes and for many, it can take a long time to regain trust.
Lack of trust, however, is one the worst traits to have when you are trying to develop a new relationship or to save one. Many couples have experienced situations that created a lack of “trust” and the end results have been heartbreaking. Sometimes situations are better off ending, but the ones worth saving require a few steps to get back to that happy medium. Let’s discuss some steps to take when trying to learn how to trust again.
1) Switch Shoes - Switching places with the person that broke your trust to understand why they made the choice that they did, can be very beneficial to you. Have you stopped to ask yourself why they kept something from you? Was it to really hurt you? Was it intentional? Having an open mind to think about the other person’s mindset could help you get a better understanding of the situation.
2) Right Time, Right Place - When you’ve had time to think things through about the situation that hurt you, decide when is the right opportunity to bring the conversation up to find a solution. If you react too quickly, the relationship can suffer damages that may be avoided if you wait just a little while to think things out. There is a time and a place for everything, especially when getting back together.
3) Tone is Everything - The way you approach your first conversation after the situation can potentially determine the results. You could be having thoughts like "I don't wanna do this anymore" or "should I break up with my boyfriend" but take your time and think through. You’re already upset, you’re emotional, and possibly still gathering your thoughts even when going into the conversation, so choose wisely your attitude and volume when talking. When tension is high, there is a greater risk of escalation and it’s crucial to avoid any unnecessary conflict. Remember this is someone you care about! Even though you may be upset, remember to keep your cool, watch your tone, and respect each other’s space. Just talk it out; communication in relationships can keep you from breaking up with someone you love and ending a relationship.
4) Talk It Out, Move Forward - Once you have the conversation, the most important thing from there is to LET IT GO! This is the step that many people struggle with depending on the situation. How often have you heard someone say that they tried but they just couldn’t stop thinking about the past? No! No! No! If you let the past control your relationship, you could end up in a broken relationship! Be strong enough to let the situation go and move forward with them if it’s a relationship truly working saving. Even if you can’t accept the situation and remain close to the person, make it a goal to forgive them, to move forward, and to not hold a grudge over it. Remember that when you don’t forgive, you give the other person power over you. Don’t you want your power? Talk it out and move forward!
Without trust, no serious relationship can be stable, so as people we must learn how to trust and when we lose our trust in others, we must be willing to forgive and to move forward without holding on to past hurt. When you let the pain go, that is when you start to truly live and love again.
Lastly, take your time when healing to ensure that your trust in other's won't suffer in the future. The last thing you want to do is lose out on great people due to holding on to the past right? Remember, trust is key!
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The Social Pressure To Lose Your Virginity
We are a nation obsessed with losing your virginity. Has sex become overemphasized to be seen as more important than it actually is? We discuss the social pressure to lose your virginity!
By: Abina George
We are a nation obsessed with losing your virginity. We have countless movies centered around this concept of purity and the necessity to rip it away, which in turn has created a social pressure to lose your virginity. It’s the only way to purge the innocence and ignorance of childhood and begin to enjoy adulthood in its entirety. Or so the media programs us to think.
According to the media, adulthood is this magical time when a child matures and is finally able to enjoy the freedom and whims of adulthood. Movies like the 40-Year-Old Virgin feed on the fear of many that their life will be unfulfilled without intercourse and enforced the idea that those who aren’t sexually active are social outcasts.
>> SEE ALSO: Relationship Therapy: 4 Steps To Help With Trust Issues In A Relationship
Many have an abrupt realization that adulthood is not as glamorous as many would like you to think. The cost of a few intimate moments can result in STIs and possibly even pregnancy. Many women’s magazines encourage sexual prowess but neglect to list the dangers or the steps one needs to take to stay safe. Then connections with possible partners can be taxing. Some people just don’t mesh well together, and some are just out for conquests.
>> SEE ALSO: Shoot Your Shot: Why A Guy Gets Rejected
American culture dictates that one stipulation of happiness is to be sexually liberated. A person’s desire to prolong the beginning of a sexual life or pickiness of one’s partners is deemed prudish and bizarre.
Respect for a woman’s choice to keep her body to herself is scoffed upon. Many seem to view a woman’s body as a tool to be used by others. Sex is expected after receiving minor niceties. Physical labor such as housework is often understood as the price we pay for a relationship with a man. Overall, a woman’s body is commonly seen as something to be had and used by men.
Women should have the same rights as men. The problem is that most people don’t take seriously the mental and physical dangers involved in sex. A woman should not be ridiculed for making the same sexual choices as a man and more importantly, women should not be pressured into such a huge decision with various possible negative results.
A person has as much right to abstain from sex as those that chose to engage in it. Virgins should not be pressured into such a large event in their lives. For those who decide waiting until marriage is the right decision, that choice should be supported and accepted by peers as much as being sexually active already is.
Enjoy life without the pressures others place upon your body. Your body is yours alone and only you suffer the consequences of these decisions.
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Dating Advice: 4 Signs You're Dating Someone Emotionally Unavailable
Are you getting to know someone who doesn't quite seem like they’re ready to let their guard down? Here are 4 signs that you may be dating someone emotionally unavailable!
By: Alyssa Cole
Are you getting to know someone who doesn't quite seem like their ready to let their guard down? Feeling constantly blocked out when a deep conversation begins? Are they struggling with moving forward to become serious with you? This type of person is not ready for a serious relationship. All of the these situations could stem from two words....EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE!
This term has become a popular thing among the young generations when explaining why they just aren't ready to move forward. Everyone is different and has their different reasons for why they are emotionally unavailable, but am I the only one that gets confused when they do everything like a boyfriend/girlfriend, acts just like a boyfriend/girlfriend, doesn't want to see you with anyone else, but then comes back to you saying their not ready to actually be that special someone to you.
Yes, this can be very frustrating! What's worse is if you invest so much time into someone and don't catch the signs early. We are all just looking for someone who is also focused on growing together and build with so who wants to waste time right?!
Want to know how you can detect if your potential love interest may be emotionally unavailable?
>> SEE ALSO: The Social Pressure To Lose Your Virginity
4 Signs You're Dating Someone Emotionally Unavailable
The Freak - Watch out for this one. They will try to snatch your soul in the sheets quickly but when things start to get a little too deep and you become intimate with this person, they tend to slowly fall back and eventually take off.
When I'm Free - Now this one is the type that only wants to hang out or be sexual when they are in the mood and focuses more so on what they desire and not you. This one can be tricky to spot sometimes if you're dealing with a "nice person". They may come up with excuses as to why they can't do things on your time and even may disappear for days or weeks after just being cuddled up with you while watching movies. Crazy right?
The Complainer - This person will talk about everything their ex did to hurt the relationship but won't own up to where they may have failed to make it work. They like playing the victim and may lack emotional maturity and display it by talking bad about their ex if you ask questions about the previous relationship. It's clear they aren't letting go of a relationship and is a big sign that they may not be emotionally ready for a new relationship.
The " I don't think/I just cant" person - Have they ever said things like "I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship right now", " I don't know how a relationship could work for me at this point", I don't think commitment is for me", or "I'm just not good at relationships"? This person is letting you know without saying it that they clearly are NOT READY for a serious relationship. Do not be the person that wants to be a superwoman/superman and feel like you are just the person to fix all their problems. Don't do it!!! Pay attention to their words because if they are saying things like this, nine times out of ten, they probably mean it.
Pay attention to these types of people and signs you are experiencing. Ask yourself is this the type of person you're dealing with? If someone is emotionally unavailable you must understand that it can take time for them to fully move forward in a relationship. Is it something you are willing to accept? Or do you feel you deserve someone who is open to moving forward with you now?
Choose Wisely.
THIS ARTICLE IS RELATED TO: relationship questions, relationship advice, emotional intelligence, emotional abuse, dating problems advice, advice on love and relationships
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Commitment Issues: What Does Commitment Look Like These Days
What does commitment mean for modern day relationships? When did it become negative to have feelings for someone or admit that you’re falling in love? We discuss commitment issues and what a committed relationship looks like in 2018!
By: Alyssa Cole
Scrolling down timelines on social media today with this new generation includes seeing selfies, fashion, quotes, and oh yea Love Memes! Or can you even call it that to be honest? You see a lot of “I wish I had this” or “All I need is that” type of thing not realizing that hey your mystery lover isn’t going to find you just from ten thousand retweet’s or reposts about what you wish you could find. Sorry!!! One of the best quotes about life that comes to mind is “Walk the walk and talk the talk”.
So many young people say one thing but when someone is right in front of them that may be just the person for them they get hesitant, fearful, sometimes skeptical, or even simply just realize their fear of commitment. Come Again?!!
Makes no sense some may say looking in from the outside, but our way of communicating as young people has changed drastically. The tv series “Grown-ish” really displayed it best for the young people. We lack communicating our feelings or make it harder than it needs to be sometimes.
We don’t want to come off too clingy but deep down want that person all to ourselves, we hate seeing that person with other people, but can’t seem to stand up and say “Look I like you and I want to see where this thing could go”. When did feelings become such a negative thing?! Some may blame the environment you grew up in. Divorce ratings are around 50% in likelihood of occurring in America to the average married couple and has been said to have an effect on children even down to the child not desiring in the future marriage or a long term committed relationship. Let that sink in for a second.
Now some may say that sounds crazy but from countless conversations with people, I’ve personally found that more people have said they don’t have any reasons to get married or have doubts about marriage and majority of these people have experienced divorce or separation within their households.
Now although this doesn’t relate to every person in this situation, it’s still eye opening to the impact it can really have on a person. Aside from divorce being a reason, some people just don't want to put in the effort to build something that grows into marriage or even worse, some people just have a ton of expectations or excuses why someone they've met or came across isn't right for them without really taking the time to give them a chance. Have you been guilty of any of these in the past?
As generations continue to grow, the traditional lifestyle fades out and new values and lifestyles slide on in. What will getting married look like in ratings in the next ten years? Will it turn around or will it continue to decrease? Will commitment become extinct at some point or will more young people see the value in it and try to put effort into something long lasting? Only time will tell right?!
One thing we all know is that effective communication in relationships is key agreed? So if we lose sight of how to do that, how can friendships and relationships last? In general, we are all trying to figure out how to become successful and live our best life! Just something to think about!
THIS ARTICLE IS RELATED TO: commitment issues, committed relationship, relationship commitment, relationship commitment issues, dating advice
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Shoot Your Shot: Why A Guy Gets Rejected
“Why do I keep getting rejected?” If you shoot your shot, there is a chance that you will fail to score! We discuss what keeps men from sealing the deal!
By: Danielle Layne
Most of my time on Facebook is spent reading memes and horror stories where someone gets rejected and chaos ensued. I often view many posts of men going off on women because those women were not interested. If you shoot your shot, there is a chance that you will fail to score Therefore I decided to share a few possible reasons why the men failed to score, whether online or in person.
Why Men May Fail to Score
1. No Understanding of How to Make Conversation
Some dudes believe that they should inject a “Wyd” in a female’s inbox everyday and get miraculous results. Just no. Who wants to tell some random person a daily log of their activities?
2. Dating Anxiety: Hot to Not be Nervous on a Date
Even when a guy successfully gets to go on a date with a woman that interests him, he proceeds to sit, stare and cold-sweat during most of the date. This is annoying and the female on the date might think that this dude has the personality of a wet noodle. Or worse, she may be wondering if she is now on a date with a serial killer. Deal-breaker much?
3. Jack of all trades.
What is up with men who try to pursue multiple females at the same time? Does he want to form an all-female basketball team? Is he looking for a sister-wife or nah? I had a dude call me and have long conversations for almost a month, only to realize he was calling my friend and coworker too. On the same day. With the same questions. Why??
4. You Talk Too Much: Learn How to Talk to Women
This is an unfortunate consequence of a nervous or overly confident man. Just this week I stood in a bank queue in front of a young couple. I swear, the young man spoke about himself for a good forty-five minutes. His companion could hardly get a word in edgeways. Don’t be that guy.
5. Don't Understand How to Handle Rejection
This point is really for the keyboard warriors who inbox women with “Good morning”, “Wyd”, “You’re beautiful” or any variation of this. These messages may signify interest and if she is happily taken, they only serve to annoy. What is a man expecting to gain from telling a woman she is beautiful multiple times if she already has a partner who tells her such. Yes, it is a compliment that most women will graciously accept. Telling this to her repeatedly may just be a waste of the dude’s time.
How Do We Change This?
In order to change some of these misses to hits, we need to consider a few things.
Figure out why you want to speak to this woman. Is she a pretty Instagrammer that everyone seems to adore? Do you think she has a wonderful personality and will be a great wife and mother? If it is the former, it’s best that you move it along. If it is the latter, then hey-give it a go.
Ask questions to find out the woman’s interests. What are her hobbies? Her idea of a casual date? What does she like to talk about? If you find out the answer to some of these questions, then you are well on your way
Of course, I am only one woman so what is written above represents my opinion. Dudes if you “wyd” and “hey beautiful” and your strategy opens doors, then by all means don’t change. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.