You Belong in the Room: 3 Tips for Combatting Those Feelings of Not Belonging
“How could you ever feel comfortable if no matter where you went you felt like you belonged someplace else?”
By: Jamila Gomez
I have been somewhat of a loner my whole life. Growing up with certain challenges disallowed me to enjoy activities that “normal” children take for granted, like literally running around or jumping off of things on a playground. I spent some of my early childhood confined to a wheelchair and a walker. Even when I was able to gain mobility, I still couldn’t do things at the capacity of my peers.
I had other uncontrollable issues that hindered my self-esteem and confidence, thus putting a damper to develop strong friendships. I certainly had a few as a child that had carried into adulthood, which I am eternally grateful for. But for the most part, I was a loner.
As I have navigated through life, and as acceptance for that which I cannot change has slowly crept in, it hasn’t gotten much easier to develop deep connections. Much of it is low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. It is the inability to believe I am worthy of deep connections. When the pandemic hit, I went on a quest to “find my tribe”, so to speak. I found myself searching for it on social media. I had a good time for a while, but then the reality of life started to set in.
Things were happening across the country and around the world that I couldn’t talk about in that group. Very few could really relate. And I didn’t feel truly comfortable talking about it to some of the few who could. I knew the conversations would only go so far. I felt very uncomfortable. So I uprooted myself from the places I planted myself. I did gain a few close connections for the experience, and I do mean only a few. The ones I could really talk to about life. We talk every day. But as an experience as a whole, no matter how much I wanted to, I just didn’t fit in.
Why am I saying all of this? Because many people have felt the way I do. A lot of people feel like they have no real home. They feel like they don’t belong. I’m here to tell you: I UNDERSTAND. But there is help yet! There are ways you can combat the feeling of not belonging. However, in order to combat the feelings, you have to know why you feel that way. Below, I will give you three reasons why you feel you don’t belong. Under each reason will be a tip to combat that feeling. Let’s start:
3 Reasons Why You Feel You Don’t Belong
1. Comparison
If you’re anything like me, you find yourself looking at the people around you and you start to see the moves they’re making. They have lucrative careers, spouses and families, and what appears to you to be pure happiness. You start to compare your chapter 1 to their chapter 30 and begin to feel like you’re not where you should be. But the reality is, you are right where you should be.
First of all, don’t always believe what you see. People pretend very well to have it all together when they’re dealing with some sort of issue themselves that they’re keeping a secret. Everything isn’t always what it appears to be. Second of all, who’s to say these things are not within reach? Who told you, you can’t or won’t have these things and more? Maybe it’s all on the way and you are rushing the process. Just take a deep breath and relax. Things are moving in your favor, even when it doesn’t look like it.
Combat This By: Embracing the space you’re currently in. Acknowledge that you are not where you used to be and that you are growing into more and better. Understand that, again, not everything that looks good on others is actually good. Consider that some people are putting themselves through hell just to look like they’re in heaven. You’re being protected from that whether you believe it or not. There’s no faking necessary with you. Be authentically you in full and realize that there is no one else like you and that makes you awesome.
2. Abnormalcy
Many of us have those things about us that we feel may make it hard for people to accept us. For me, it would be Spina Bifida. It’s not fun not being able to do some of the things “normal” people can do. And it’s easy to feel like you don’t fit in with people when you’re different. I will say this, though: being different shouldn’t mean that people won’t accept you.
Even if it’s not a large number of people, it’s about the quality they bring to your life. I’d rather have 5 tight friends than 20 people that don’t truly care about my well being and only speak when they want something. You have to see being different as a blessing, even if/when it doesn’t feel like one. Ultimately, it’ll allow people who are meant for you to come.
Combat This By: Understanding that there is no such thing as “normal”. We are all different. We all have something that separates us from the pack. Whether your “different” is in the form of a disability or deformity, a height or weight insecurity, an accent, or a gap in your teeth, know that this thing is what makes you unique. Know that this is where your story lies.
You can use what makes you different as a tool to meet people just like you and help them get through the same or similar differences. The most important thing to remember is that there are people out there who do see you and they love you just the way you are. Connect with those people you already know are down for you and put your energy into them a lot more.
3. You Don’t Know Your Worth
As I stated earlier, I found myself on this quest for acceptance. I searched for a table and left each one more starving than at the one before. I was chasing acceptance and love. I put my worth in the hands of others and devalued myself. If you see yourself in this, it’s okay. Recognize and acknowledge it for what it is.
Combat This By: Doing a number of things. There are different avenues we can take to get to the place of self-love and worthiness. I say “we” because this is a journey that I am on. Tools that are effective include, but are not limited to, affirmations, mirror work, repeating scriptures (if you are spiritual), self-help books, and reaching out to people — either friends/family or a therapist. It is not easy to open up to people about these feelings, so make sure it’s someone you trust. Whatever you choose, you have to stick with it. Feeling good about yourself when you don’t won’t happen overnight. It takes work and patience. But it must be done.
Final Note: There are two very important things to keep in mind when you are on this journey of belonging. The first is that you are not alone. Your personal journey is yours, but there are people on their own personal journal to the same place. You don’t have to think that you have to deal with it alone. The second thing is that you must be kind to yourself in this space. You won’t get everything right in the beginning. It’ll be hard and you’ll face challenges and bumps in the road. Give yourself permission to mess up and grace when you actually do…because you will and it’s okay. When you finally get to the room, you’ll realize you were meant to be there.
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