Gray Expectations: 4 Tips For Navigating Through The Talking Stage

By: Kathleen Santos

Who else can relate?  It’s a match! Attraction was immediate based on each other's profile pics - so we swiped right. Or maybe we matched because we share a similar ideal and agree that people who find it fascinating to debate about ‘pineapples on pizza’ are corny. Maybe we’ve known each other from work, and one of us has only recently become single after being previously attached. 

Regardless of how it happens, the connection leads to more dialogue, an exchange of compliments and lots of flirtatious small talk.  Eventually, we link up, chemistry is dope, and at this point, no one is giving off any creepy or psycho vibes.  And so, our arduous dating journey begins.

Establishing a connection with someone you’re attracted to in-person may be more difficult to maneuver for some, but it’s not impossible as long as you’re being yourself. And with 24/7 access to potentials via dating apps and social media, shootin’ your shot is even easier since it requires little effort, just some audacity!

With billions of people on this planet, the odds on a good set of options, are in our favor.  Whether you’re dating with intention or just looking to add to the roster, we can all agree that this part of the process should be pretty easy. If you don’t think so, then you’re not ready to be out here just yet. Take your time and try again later. 

The next phase of the dating journey, however, could get more awkward and problematic. At the beginning, we are likely playing it real cool. We’ve probably agreed that we’re in this to get to know each other, have fun, and of course, “We’ll see where it goes...” No pressure. Before we know it, we’re spending more time, we’ve got the bedroom mixtapes on replay, and we’re really vibin’. Inevitably, someone catches feelings. Now what? Welp… We have now entered into an area of uncertainty or a space of gray expectations.

To be clear, this concept is most relevant when we’ve been hanging out for at least a couple of months, give or take a month. We’re still single, we see each other regularly, but we’ve not talked about being exclusive, so there aren’t any titles. But could we be headed in that direction? Our relationship status is unclear just as our expectations might be. Should we be planning to see each other regularly every week?  How often? What are the rules around daily calls and texts? What do I tell my friends or family who are curious about you? What about my roster? Am I supposed to be giving it up? If I do, you definitely need to give up yours. Is this even the time to have this conversation to define this relationship? What are we doing?? What are we??? Ugggghhhh… 

Managing the noise and our own well-being can be tricky when we are dating in a hookup culture that breeds anxiety, ambiguities, and situationships. Those looking for answers to these questions of who/what/where/how/why, might turn to Youtube or IG relationship gurus, dating coaches, and/or their friends who all have opinions and experiences to share about ‘what men/women really want’ or ‘how to get him/her to commit’.  Save yourself some valuable time in analysis paralysis and leave all that alone. If you do find yourself tumbling down this vast rabbit hole though and getting yourself stressed… please read on.

Being able to effectively navigate through this gray area will require understanding, accepting, and embracing the idea that you have absolutely no control over anyone, but you! So, to help you get through to the other side, keep the following in mind:

1. CoMmunicate, Communicate, Communicate

Suck it up, and talk it out. Be open and ensure that the two of you are on the same page about what you’re doing, so that you can move accordingly.

2. Require Respect and Healthy Boundaries

If the timing isn’t right to commit and slap a title on the relationship, but you decide to keep hanging out, then so be it. Understand, accept, and embrace this decision with no other expectations.  It will be important to continue to require respect and healthy boundaries, whether or not there is a commitment, so leave no room for misunderstanding there.

3. Keep The Focus On You!

If the person you want isn’t in a position to reciprocate, you need to STOP expending more energy and just match theirs.  Be committed to getting yourself ready for the right one who will be decisive and equipped to respond correctly.  In the meantime, keep your roster.  Get your mind, body, soul and bag right!  Stay productive, booked, and busy!  

4. Appreciate The Now

Maintaining a grateful mindset opens the door to more opportunities and results in benefits that include enhanced physical, emotional and mental health. So, be intentional about taking in the sights, sounds, and smells every day. Be aware of your feelings during the highs and lows, be present in all of it.  Be thankful for the wins and lessons. No one needs to be worried about yesterday, it’s long gone. And, while we can keep an eye on the future, we don’t live there. Let’s normalize and cherish being grateful and fully present.

Case in point, Miss Lori Harvey. While some may find her lifestyle choices controversial, Twitter has very recently reminded us that she might be able to teach us a few things. I mean, she is ‘Act Like a Lady and Think Like a Man’ personified (no doubt thanks to the Coach himself, Uncle Steve Harvey), so we should consider taking notes. 

Lots of people out here are happy to judge her for what she does or doesn’t do, how she lives her life, or her choices in men, but I can’t hate!  At this point in her life, Lori is doing what she is supposed to be doing.  She’s single, taking care of herself, living her life unapologetically, minding her business, doing what she wants and whoever she wants. Can’t be mad at that. What’s even more impressive? While she’s open to sharing, she’s not saying a damn thing more than she needs to about what she’s doing nor is she getting caught up in foolish gossip! And most importantly, she is not letting any man stress her!

In the meantime, Lori is continuing to mind her own and letting us in on who is putting a smile on her face (for now) as she pleases. And by the looks of Michael B. Jordan’s grin these days, he is loving being posted up. 

Bottomline: When you're having to navigate through a situationship with gray expectations, remember that it has less to do with the other person and more to do with ourselves. Your time is not frivolous. Let them know it’s earned. Keep the focus on your preparation, so when your level-up comes around, you are ready!

Lori Harvey and Michael B. Jordan

---

YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:

SHARE TO SOCIAL MEDIA

Zodiac Compatibility | Learning Your Love Compatibility Through Astrology

By: Sydni Hatley

Many people base friendships, relationships, and their general understanding of others off of the zodiac sign assigned to them at birth (the proper term for this is “Sun sign”). The Sun sign is in fact the most common thing people associate themselves with when it comes to astrology, but what people don’t realize is that just like we have many different qualities that determine who we are, there are many different astrological aspects that influence who we are as well.

One example of how much this makes a difference in our lives is in the area of love. A lot of times when people first meet and gage their compatibility with a potential partner, they are basing this compatibility solely on their sun signs (which describes their basic nature and personality traits), instead of equally looking at their venus sign (how they typically operate when in love and relationships), as well as their Moon sign (how they express and deal with their innermost emotions). 

The Sun, Moon, and Venus signs are only three of eleven signs that make up the entire birth chart of a person. It is important, as one continues to learn about astrology, that they understand how each planet is responsible for a different part of their character. Also, depending on the sign linked to that respective planet, it will determine how one acts in that area.

As it pertains to love, the more important planets that will help determine compatibility are in fact the Sun, Moon, and Venus signs. The Sun sign is important as it pertains to love because it determines the core qualities that make you, you. For instance, if you are a Scorpio, are you typically very honest, loyal, or a private person? If you are an Aries, are you typically fiery? A leader? These are aspects to your character that are at the core of your being, and remain the most constant.

The Moon sign is important too as it pertains to love, because it shows your partner who you are when nobody's watching. It gets rid of any facades and lets your partner know who you are when you’re the most comfortable. For example, if your moon is in Leo you’re typically a lot more emotional than people think, and you may tend to be dramatic.

Finally, the Venus sign is important because it helps determine the type of person you are in relationships. For instance, if your Venus is in Virgo you could say that in relationships you are a bit critical of your partner but devoted, and/or a bit of a perfectionist. Overall, people use the sun sign alone thinking that it is the only indicator of their compatibility with someone, but there is a whole other world of areas important to a relationship that are influenced by astrology. 

A final aspect that should be mentioned as it is just as important when it comes to love and relationship compatibility is the planet of Mercury: the planet of communication. Whatever a potential partner’s sign in Mercury is will help determine their style of communication. For example, my friend’s Mercury is in Sagittarius, and they typically communicate in a scattered, fleeting manner. Coincidentally, this is a quality of people who’s Mercury is in Sagittarius. Your communication style matters when thinking about compatibility with your partner as healthy communication is essential for a successful relationship. It is great to have a nice general vibe with someone but if they cannot communicate in relationships it won’t go anywhere.

Learning your natal chart and the astrological aspects of your character will help tremendously in better understanding yourself both in love and in life. You can calculate your natal chart easily by making sure you know your birth date, birth time, and exact birth location (city and state). Once you have these three things, you can unlock a whole new world of understanding, making life so much easier for yourself in the long run. Hopefully this information will make finding the perfect match a lot more fun and exciting!

---

YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:

SHARE TO SOCIAL MEDIA

Red vs. Green Flags: 18 Green Flags You Should Look For In A Healthy Relationship

By: Kathleen Santos

When you ask someone about what traits they are looking for in a person they are dating, they might be quick to rattle off all the usual surface-level type of qualities, like: They have to be funny, smart, healthy; have to have a stable job, dress nice, and hopefully we like the same basketball or football teams; obviously, they smell good, and are really easy to look at, and bedroom chemistry is on point…Pretty straightforward list.

But, let’s be honest. When it comes down to it, while many of these traits will be important to physical and intellectual chemistry, they may be better described as preferences. They aren’t qualities that are going to be what strengthens a relationship dynamic, so that they can withstand stress or conflict as a couple effectively.  

With an enduring relationship in mind, you’d need to do some work and figure out if you all have some depth in compatibility as well, so that you can get that “If I Ain’t Got You” kind of love we heard about from Alicia Keys when we were growing up.

What exactly should we be looking for then? Surprisingly, we may not be as quick to rattle off these requirements. In fact, we might come back expeditiously with red flags ready, “... I’ll tell you what I DON’T want!”... Maybe you’ve shared something to that effect with others before? Yeah, me too. 

While the list of red flags are easier to recall, don’t worry, this doesn’t make you or I a pessimist or cynic.  We’ve just been conditioned to look for these red flags. Our own testimonies of heartbreak along with witnessing others go through it definitely influences our views on them. And wouldn’t you know it…science has something to say about it too.

According to WebMD, there are quite a few research studies out there that support why we tend to remember the negatives or bad memories more vividly compared to those positive or good memories.  The studies suggest that recalling the negatives might be due to an evolutionary response, a sort of survival mechanism. Case in point, if we went on safari in Botswana, we innately know to keep our eyes on that tall grass where the lions or lionesses are hiding ready to snatch their meals. Arms and legs inside the truck during the tour - pretty clear.

Back to red flags…again, while we recognize that we need to pay attention to them, we also need to make sure we are equally focused, if not more so, on green flags. What exactly are green flags anyway? These are personality and behavioral traits that can support a lasting relationship dynamic. Specifically, these traits can help create space for more vulnerability and enable deeper compassion for one another, which is essential as the couple gets to know who they are completely, and for true intimacy to be established. The more green flags your partner exhibits, the greater the chances are for long term potential! Let’s take a look at some notable ones below:

Healthy Green Flags

• Knows who they are and what they want… is unapologetically authentic!

• Demonstrates and encourages vulnerability

• Makes you feel emotionally safe 

• Capable of consistent, open, and honest communication 

• An optimist; can easily see the positive in any situation

• Aligned to their life’s purpose, personally and/or professionally

• Supportive of your aspirations and encourages personal growth

• Willing and open to reach a compromise 

• Listens to understand rather than listening to respond

• Practices and prioritizes self-care/ self-love

• Is calm and respectful during arguments

• Feels responsible and is accountable for their own happiness

• Holds you accountable for your own happiness

• Admits when they’re wrong and knows when/how to apologize 

• Understands that there is space for alone time or for friendships outside of the relationship

• Doesn’t disrespect you, behind your back or in public 

• Practical when under pressure and exhibits maturity

• Knows your love language(s), so they understand how to love you correctly (see recent article on Understanding the Five Love Languages) 

This list is not all inclusive of course, and we need to consider we all have different requirements. So, whether you're single, dating, or committed, I would encourage you to reflect on those green flags that are most important to your relationship dynamic and start building your own checklist. Superficial preferences aside, determining compatibility will require more from us, especially if we’re after what Ms. Alicia is singing about. We’ll be better equipped to be in tune with ourselves and our partner’s authentic self as long as we have the courage to hold each other accountable for identifying and expressing our values and beliefs to one another.

“Some people think / That the physical things define what’s within / And I’ve been there before / That life’s a bore / So full of the superficial / Some people want it all / But I don't want nothing at all. If it ain't you baby" - Alicia Keys

---

YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:

SHARE TO SOCIAL MEDIA

Understanding The 5 Love Languages: What's Yours?

By: Kathleen Santos

Have you ever taken the garbage out for your girlfriend without asking and she didn’t thank you? Or maybe you attempted to surprise your husband by door-dashing some lunch, but he complained that it was a waste of money and impersonal. Have you tagged your boyfriend on your IG or Twitter to wish them ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ and he didn’t bother to like it…just ignored it? 

Now, we all know that these types of situations happen all the time and a fight is 99.9% inevitable each time, right?  Someone most definitely will end up getting the silent treatment or maybe even yelled at, while the other likely would feel pretty unappreciated or taken for granted.  

So, what is the secret sauce to avoiding some of this drama? This might depend on who you ask, but according to author and marriage counselor, Gary Chapman, Ph.D., if we want to be clear about what we want, avoid unnecessary drama, and get our romantic relationships to really flourish, we need to learn how to speak each other's language.

We all express and receive love differently. Even if you’ve just started dating someone special, are in a newly committed relationship, or if you’ve got some good time-in as an established couple, we can all agree that we all have experienced misunderstandings in matters of the heart and in the end, we all just want to be loved and understood. For nearly 30 years, Dr. Chapman has been helping to improve relationships with his very practical approach to understanding the differences in how we communicate love, so that we can understand each other on a deeper level. And bonus! This will likely keep us out of the petty drama too...

Let’s take a look at what he’s described as the Five Love Languages: 

Words Of Affirmation

When this is someone’s primary love language, it means they need words of affection, praise, and encouragement. Text them a motivational quote on their way to a job interview, pray with them when they’re going through a rough time or give them a call to let them know they’re on your mind.  

What won’t work? Undue criticism, harsh words or a rough tone. 

Quality Time

This person’s love language requires your full attention as a way to show your love and affection. Be fully present, focused on them. Cook dinner or do laundry together!  Be fully engaged when he talks to you about the importance of voting in local elections.  

What won’t work? Checking your phone every few minutes. And don’t wait too long between meetings please.

Physical Touch

For this person who has this as their primary language, love and affection is expressed nonverbally.  This could mean spooning in bed, a long hug before you go to work, sitting close to each other while watching some tv, or holding hands from the car to the grocery store.  

What won’t work? Simple...physical neglect!

Acts Of Service

When this is someone’s love language, it means they feel loved and appreciated when you do things that they would find helpful or kind, big or small, especially without them asking you!  This could mean taking his car to get the oil changed, folding the laundry that’s been sitting in the dryer, or post your favorite picture of her with flames!

What won’t work? Overcommitment, breaking promises. 

Receiving Gifts

For this person, it’s not necessarily all about expensive gifts.  Love and affection is expressed best if you put some careful thought behind it.  While they probably won’t complain about being gifted a luxury brand purse or the latest Samsung Galaxy for their birthday, she’d really appreciate it if you commemorated her recent promotion with her favorite perfume or if you bought him that PS5, just because... 

What won’t work? Buying random presents with no meaning. Don’t you dare forget birthdays, anniversaries.  

Communication is at the heart of any solid relationship. Feeling like we are being loved as we understand love to be is everything!  Putting in the time to understand each other’s love language and adjust how we communicate, not only is going to score you major points with your loved one, but they’ll recognize that you’re reinforcing your commitment to them by prioritizing their needs. The secret sauce is pretty practical advice, there really is no rocket science here.  Take the quiz to determine your language!

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

---

YOU MAY ALSO BE INTERESTED IN:

SHARE TO SOCIAL MEDIA