Gray Expectations: 4 Tips For Navigating Through The Talking Stage

By: Kathleen Santos

Who else can relate?  It’s a match! Attraction was immediate based on each other's profile pics - so we swiped right. Or maybe we matched because we share a similar ideal and agree that people who find it fascinating to debate about ‘pineapples on pizza’ are corny. Maybe we’ve known each other from work, and one of us has only recently become single after being previously attached. 

Regardless of how it happens, the connection leads to more dialogue, an exchange of compliments and lots of flirtatious small talk.  Eventually, we link up, chemistry is dope, and at this point, no one is giving off any creepy or psycho vibes.  And so, our arduous dating journey begins.

Establishing a connection with someone you’re attracted to in-person may be more difficult to maneuver for some, but it’s not impossible as long as you’re being yourself. And with 24/7 access to potentials via dating apps and social media, shootin’ your shot is even easier since it requires little effort, just some audacity!

With billions of people on this planet, the odds on a good set of options, are in our favor.  Whether you’re dating with intention or just looking to add to the roster, we can all agree that this part of the process should be pretty easy. If you don’t think so, then you’re not ready to be out here just yet. Take your time and try again later. 

The next phase of the dating journey, however, could get more awkward and problematic. At the beginning, we are likely playing it real cool. We’ve probably agreed that we’re in this to get to know each other, have fun, and of course, “We’ll see where it goes...” No pressure. Before we know it, we’re spending more time, we’ve got the bedroom mixtapes on replay, and we’re really vibin’. Inevitably, someone catches feelings. Now what? Welp… We have now entered into an area of uncertainty or a space of gray expectations.

To be clear, this concept is most relevant when we’ve been hanging out for at least a couple of months, give or take a month. We’re still single, we see each other regularly, but we’ve not talked about being exclusive, so there aren’t any titles. But could we be headed in that direction? Our relationship status is unclear just as our expectations might be. Should we be planning to see each other regularly every week?  How often? What are the rules around daily calls and texts? What do I tell my friends or family who are curious about you? What about my roster? Am I supposed to be giving it up? If I do, you definitely need to give up yours. Is this even the time to have this conversation to define this relationship? What are we doing?? What are we??? Ugggghhhh… 

Managing the noise and our own well-being can be tricky when we are dating in a hookup culture that breeds anxiety, ambiguities, and situationships. Those looking for answers to these questions of who/what/where/how/why, might turn to Youtube or IG relationship gurus, dating coaches, and/or their friends who all have opinions and experiences to share about ‘what men/women really want’ or ‘how to get him/her to commit’.  Save yourself some valuable time in analysis paralysis and leave all that alone. If you do find yourself tumbling down this vast rabbit hole though and getting yourself stressed… please read on.

Being able to effectively navigate through this gray area will require understanding, accepting, and embracing the idea that you have absolutely no control over anyone, but you! So, to help you get through to the other side, keep the following in mind:

1. CoMmunicate, Communicate, Communicate

Suck it up, and talk it out. Be open and ensure that the two of you are on the same page about what you’re doing, so that you can move accordingly.

2. Require Respect and Healthy Boundaries

If the timing isn’t right to commit and slap a title on the relationship, but you decide to keep hanging out, then so be it. Understand, accept, and embrace this decision with no other expectations.  It will be important to continue to require respect and healthy boundaries, whether or not there is a commitment, so leave no room for misunderstanding there.

3. Keep The Focus On You!

If the person you want isn’t in a position to reciprocate, you need to STOP expending more energy and just match theirs.  Be committed to getting yourself ready for the right one who will be decisive and equipped to respond correctly.  In the meantime, keep your roster.  Get your mind, body, soul and bag right!  Stay productive, booked, and busy!  

4. Appreciate The Now

Maintaining a grateful mindset opens the door to more opportunities and results in benefits that include enhanced physical, emotional and mental health. So, be intentional about taking in the sights, sounds, and smells every day. Be aware of your feelings during the highs and lows, be present in all of it.  Be thankful for the wins and lessons. No one needs to be worried about yesterday, it’s long gone. And, while we can keep an eye on the future, we don’t live there. Let’s normalize and cherish being grateful and fully present.

Case in point, Miss Lori Harvey. While some may find her lifestyle choices controversial, Twitter has very recently reminded us that she might be able to teach us a few things. I mean, she is ‘Act Like a Lady and Think Like a Man’ personified (no doubt thanks to the Coach himself, Uncle Steve Harvey), so we should consider taking notes. 

Lots of people out here are happy to judge her for what she does or doesn’t do, how she lives her life, or her choices in men, but I can’t hate!  At this point in her life, Lori is doing what she is supposed to be doing.  She’s single, taking care of herself, living her life unapologetically, minding her business, doing what she wants and whoever she wants. Can’t be mad at that. What’s even more impressive? While she’s open to sharing, she’s not saying a damn thing more than she needs to about what she’s doing nor is she getting caught up in foolish gossip! And most importantly, she is not letting any man stress her!

In the meantime, Lori is continuing to mind her own and letting us in on who is putting a smile on her face (for now) as she pleases. And by the looks of Michael B. Jordan’s grin these days, he is loving being posted up. 

Bottomline: When you're having to navigate through a situationship with gray expectations, remember that it has less to do with the other person and more to do with ourselves. Your time is not frivolous. Let them know it’s earned. Keep the focus on your preparation, so when your level-up comes around, you are ready!

Lori Harvey and Michael B. Jordan

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Zodiac Compatibility | Learning Your Love Compatibility Through Astrology

By: Sydni Hatley

Many people base friendships, relationships, and their general understanding of others off of the zodiac sign assigned to them at birth (the proper term for this is “Sun sign”). The Sun sign is in fact the most common thing people associate themselves with when it comes to astrology, but what people don’t realize is that just like we have many different qualities that determine who we are, there are many different astrological aspects that influence who we are as well.

One example of how much this makes a difference in our lives is in the area of love. A lot of times when people first meet and gage their compatibility with a potential partner, they are basing this compatibility solely on their sun signs (which describes their basic nature and personality traits), instead of equally looking at their venus sign (how they typically operate when in love and relationships), as well as their Moon sign (how they express and deal with their innermost emotions). 

The Sun, Moon, and Venus signs are only three of eleven signs that make up the entire birth chart of a person. It is important, as one continues to learn about astrology, that they understand how each planet is responsible for a different part of their character. Also, depending on the sign linked to that respective planet, it will determine how one acts in that area.

As it pertains to love, the more important planets that will help determine compatibility are in fact the Sun, Moon, and Venus signs. The Sun sign is important as it pertains to love because it determines the core qualities that make you, you. For instance, if you are a Scorpio, are you typically very honest, loyal, or a private person? If you are an Aries, are you typically fiery? A leader? These are aspects to your character that are at the core of your being, and remain the most constant.

The Moon sign is important too as it pertains to love, because it shows your partner who you are when nobody's watching. It gets rid of any facades and lets your partner know who you are when you’re the most comfortable. For example, if your moon is in Leo you’re typically a lot more emotional than people think, and you may tend to be dramatic.

Finally, the Venus sign is important because it helps determine the type of person you are in relationships. For instance, if your Venus is in Virgo you could say that in relationships you are a bit critical of your partner but devoted, and/or a bit of a perfectionist. Overall, people use the sun sign alone thinking that it is the only indicator of their compatibility with someone, but there is a whole other world of areas important to a relationship that are influenced by astrology. 

A final aspect that should be mentioned as it is just as important when it comes to love and relationship compatibility is the planet of Mercury: the planet of communication. Whatever a potential partner’s sign in Mercury is will help determine their style of communication. For example, my friend’s Mercury is in Sagittarius, and they typically communicate in a scattered, fleeting manner. Coincidentally, this is a quality of people who’s Mercury is in Sagittarius. Your communication style matters when thinking about compatibility with your partner as healthy communication is essential for a successful relationship. It is great to have a nice general vibe with someone but if they cannot communicate in relationships it won’t go anywhere.

Learning your natal chart and the astrological aspects of your character will help tremendously in better understanding yourself both in love and in life. You can calculate your natal chart easily by making sure you know your birth date, birth time, and exact birth location (city and state). Once you have these three things, you can unlock a whole new world of understanding, making life so much easier for yourself in the long run. Hopefully this information will make finding the perfect match a lot more fun and exciting!

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Red vs. Green Flags: 18 Green Flags You Should Look For In A Healthy Relationship

By: Kathleen Santos

When you ask someone about what traits they are looking for in a person they are dating, they might be quick to rattle off all the usual surface-level type of qualities, like: They have to be funny, smart, healthy; have to have a stable job, dress nice, and hopefully we like the same basketball or football teams; obviously, they smell good, and are really easy to look at, and bedroom chemistry is on point…Pretty straightforward list.

But, let’s be honest. When it comes down to it, while many of these traits will be important to physical and intellectual chemistry, they may be better described as preferences. They aren’t qualities that are going to be what strengthens a relationship dynamic, so that they can withstand stress or conflict as a couple effectively.  

With an enduring relationship in mind, you’d need to do some work and figure out if you all have some depth in compatibility as well, so that you can get that “If I Ain’t Got You” kind of love we heard about from Alicia Keys when we were growing up.

What exactly should we be looking for then? Surprisingly, we may not be as quick to rattle off these requirements. In fact, we might come back expeditiously with red flags ready, “... I’ll tell you what I DON’T want!”... Maybe you’ve shared something to that effect with others before? Yeah, me too. 

While the list of red flags are easier to recall, don’t worry, this doesn’t make you or I a pessimist or cynic.  We’ve just been conditioned to look for these red flags. Our own testimonies of heartbreak along with witnessing others go through it definitely influences our views on them. And wouldn’t you know it…science has something to say about it too.

According to WebMD, there are quite a few research studies out there that support why we tend to remember the negatives or bad memories more vividly compared to those positive or good memories.  The studies suggest that recalling the negatives might be due to an evolutionary response, a sort of survival mechanism. Case in point, if we went on safari in Botswana, we innately know to keep our eyes on that tall grass where the lions or lionesses are hiding ready to snatch their meals. Arms and legs inside the truck during the tour - pretty clear.

Back to red flags…again, while we recognize that we need to pay attention to them, we also need to make sure we are equally focused, if not more so, on green flags. What exactly are green flags anyway? These are personality and behavioral traits that can support a lasting relationship dynamic. Specifically, these traits can help create space for more vulnerability and enable deeper compassion for one another, which is essential as the couple gets to know who they are completely, and for true intimacy to be established. The more green flags your partner exhibits, the greater the chances are for long term potential! Let’s take a look at some notable ones below:

Healthy Green Flags

• Knows who they are and what they want… is unapologetically authentic!

• Demonstrates and encourages vulnerability

• Makes you feel emotionally safe 

• Capable of consistent, open, and honest communication 

• An optimist; can easily see the positive in any situation

• Aligned to their life’s purpose, personally and/or professionally

• Supportive of your aspirations and encourages personal growth

• Willing and open to reach a compromise 

• Listens to understand rather than listening to respond

• Practices and prioritizes self-care/ self-love

• Is calm and respectful during arguments

• Feels responsible and is accountable for their own happiness

• Holds you accountable for your own happiness

• Admits when they’re wrong and knows when/how to apologize 

• Understands that there is space for alone time or for friendships outside of the relationship

• Doesn’t disrespect you, behind your back or in public 

• Practical when under pressure and exhibits maturity

• Knows your love language(s), so they understand how to love you correctly (see recent article on Understanding the Five Love Languages) 

This list is not all inclusive of course, and we need to consider we all have different requirements. So, whether you're single, dating, or committed, I would encourage you to reflect on those green flags that are most important to your relationship dynamic and start building your own checklist. Superficial preferences aside, determining compatibility will require more from us, especially if we’re after what Ms. Alicia is singing about. We’ll be better equipped to be in tune with ourselves and our partner’s authentic self as long as we have the courage to hold each other accountable for identifying and expressing our values and beliefs to one another.

“Some people think / That the physical things define what’s within / And I’ve been there before / That life’s a bore / So full of the superficial / Some people want it all / But I don't want nothing at all. If it ain't you baby" - Alicia Keys

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Understanding The 5 Love Languages: What's Yours?

By: Kathleen Santos

Have you ever taken the garbage out for your girlfriend without asking and she didn’t thank you? Or maybe you attempted to surprise your husband by door-dashing some lunch, but he complained that it was a waste of money and impersonal. Have you tagged your boyfriend on your IG or Twitter to wish them ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ and he didn’t bother to like it…just ignored it? 

Now, we all know that these types of situations happen all the time and a fight is 99.9% inevitable each time, right?  Someone most definitely will end up getting the silent treatment or maybe even yelled at, while the other likely would feel pretty unappreciated or taken for granted.  

So, what is the secret sauce to avoiding some of this drama? This might depend on who you ask, but according to author and marriage counselor, Gary Chapman, Ph.D., if we want to be clear about what we want, avoid unnecessary drama, and get our romantic relationships to really flourish, we need to learn how to speak each other's language.

We all express and receive love differently. Even if you’ve just started dating someone special, are in a newly committed relationship, or if you’ve got some good time-in as an established couple, we can all agree that we all have experienced misunderstandings in matters of the heart and in the end, we all just want to be loved and understood. For nearly 30 years, Dr. Chapman has been helping to improve relationships with his very practical approach to understanding the differences in how we communicate love, so that we can understand each other on a deeper level. And bonus! This will likely keep us out of the petty drama too...

Let’s take a look at what he’s described as the Five Love Languages: 

Words Of Affirmation

When this is someone’s primary love language, it means they need words of affection, praise, and encouragement. Text them a motivational quote on their way to a job interview, pray with them when they’re going through a rough time or give them a call to let them know they’re on your mind.  

What won’t work? Undue criticism, harsh words or a rough tone. 

Quality Time

This person’s love language requires your full attention as a way to show your love and affection. Be fully present, focused on them. Cook dinner or do laundry together!  Be fully engaged when he talks to you about the importance of voting in local elections.  

What won’t work? Checking your phone every few minutes. And don’t wait too long between meetings please.

Physical Touch

For this person who has this as their primary language, love and affection is expressed nonverbally.  This could mean spooning in bed, a long hug before you go to work, sitting close to each other while watching some tv, or holding hands from the car to the grocery store.  

What won’t work? Simple...physical neglect!

Acts Of Service

When this is someone’s love language, it means they feel loved and appreciated when you do things that they would find helpful or kind, big or small, especially without them asking you!  This could mean taking his car to get the oil changed, folding the laundry that’s been sitting in the dryer, or post your favorite picture of her with flames!

What won’t work? Overcommitment, breaking promises. 

Receiving Gifts

For this person, it’s not necessarily all about expensive gifts.  Love and affection is expressed best if you put some careful thought behind it.  While they probably won’t complain about being gifted a luxury brand purse or the latest Samsung Galaxy for their birthday, she’d really appreciate it if you commemorated her recent promotion with her favorite perfume or if you bought him that PS5, just because... 

What won’t work? Buying random presents with no meaning. Don’t you dare forget birthdays, anniversaries.  

Communication is at the heart of any solid relationship. Feeling like we are being loved as we understand love to be is everything!  Putting in the time to understand each other’s love language and adjust how we communicate, not only is going to score you major points with your loved one, but they’ll recognize that you’re reinforcing your commitment to them by prioritizing their needs. The secret sauce is pretty practical advice, there really is no rocket science here.  Take the quiz to determine your language!

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

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Letting Go: 10 Steps To Forgiving And Moving On From Your Past

By: Lauryn Bass

We all know what it’s like for someone to do you wrong in a way that ruins your trust. When you initially feel the hurt, it explodes into anger, pain, or sadness. Once the smoke clears, you are left with the decision: what do we do now? Do we move on? Or is this the end? No matter what you decide, forgiveness has to be in the center of it all. 

But how do you start this journey? Here are 10 steps to forgiving and moving forward from past relationships!

1. Accept What Happened. 

There is no going back from here. Whatever happened, happened. No need to be in denial. Just like the saying goes, “no use in crying over spilt milk.” Life happens and people make mistakes. 

2. Assess Your Feelings. 

I know that it sucks right now. It’s probably going to suck for a while. But there needs to be time taken to unpack the feelings that you have and release those feelings in whatever fashion that you need—that is safe and healthy. Why do you feel the way that you do? Were your insecurities attacked? Do you feel like you were made to look silly? Are you worried what others may think? did they break your trust? Were they rude? Inconsiderate? Once you figure out what your true feelings are only then can you figure out a plan of action to better yourself and realize what the problem is between you and the person who hurt you. 

3. Forgive The Other Person. 

You have to avoid negativity. The more you add into your spirit is only going to keep you in a dark place. This can lead you down a road unlike yourself and away from the love and care that you need. I’m not saying to forget what happened because this may or may not be a red flag and this experience is going to shape you into the person that you are today. You have learned something new about yourself and the other person. But there is no need to add fuel to the fire – we are trying to put it out. You need to forgive the other person and let it go. 

4. Forgive Yourself. 

This was not your fault. No matter the issue, no one asks to be hurt. It’s a terrible feeling that no one should have to deal with and in some cases, communication could’ve been the saving grace. But such is life, and we can only continue to move forward. Healing starts from within. Feelings are intangible, meaning you can’t  just slap a bandage on the issue. A wounded mind and spirit has different steps to mend. But it’s your choice what actions and what energy you put out. You can’t control anyone else but yourself. So forgive yourself for any moment of weakness and get up, and give love another try. 

5. Set A Goal. 

The ball is now in your court. What outcome are you looking for after everything is said and done? Whether or not you choose to continue your relationship with whoever hurt you or move them out of the equation is your choice. Your life is yours to live and you deserve to be happy. So what does that look like to you? Once you figure that out, set some boundaries and stick to them. Let it be known what you want and make sure to play devil’s advocate and hold yourself accountable as well in the situation. Be self-aware about the entirety of the relationship and then move accordingly. 

6. Take Your Time. 

This is the true remedy for it all. Pay attention to the actions of yours and others. Are you all sticking to the plan? Are your feelings the same or have they shifted? This can only be seen with patience to the process. Do not rush your healing. You now have time to wade in it all. Make note of what you learn on your journey and continue to heal. 

7. Surround Yourself With Loved Ones. 

Family and friends are your backbones right now. Though some may not agree with your choices, know that this comes out of love because they don’t want to see you hurt either. Make sure that the people around you are respectful of your decisions and continually speak life into you during this journey. Take their advice lightly, because no situation will be the complete same to yours. You make the ultimate decision that is best for you. They are going to help you in your time of need and whenever you feel lonely, call them. When you’re not strong, lean on them. 

8. Practice Self-Care. 

Do things that help you relax and unwind. GET AWAY FROM SOCIAL MEDIA. Take a bath every once in a while. Scented candles, especially the aromatherapeutic ones have been shown to aid in stress reduction. Get back into your hobbies or try something new. But DO NOT let this affect your normal habits to stay healthy. Continue to eat—treat yourself to something sweet! Do not deprive yourself of anything, that will do more harm than good. Online shopping has been a personal favorite of mine (responsibly). 

9. Stay Positive. 

Continue to create spaces that bring you joy. The atmosphere should be nothing short of happiness—because that’s what you deserve. There will be times when you have a thought that may bring you down, but always remember: “It’s not a bad life, just a bad day.” From there tell yourself that everything will be okay. Laugh at the little things and keep faith that you will feel normally soon—a new normal. 

10. Pray/Meditate 

For those who are religious, give everything to God. I’ve learned that it helps to also have “anchor scriptures” as well to rely on when you have a heavy spirit. Phillipians 4:13 KJV says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” God loves you and never lets you go through a storm alone. Pray when you’re losing your way. For those who aren’t religious, take time to meditate. Clear your mind and just breathe. Speak positive affirmations and repeat them: You are strong. You are beautiful. You are forgiven. 

Forgiveness isn’t tricky, but it also isn’t easy. The pathway to forgiveness is not for the weak but it makes you stronger and it releases a burden off of your shoulders. It looks differently for all and in different situations. But with time, it is always the key to healing.

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The Power Of The “P” Word: Building A Mental Connection Before Sex

By: Britney Lewis

I refer to myself as an ardent feminist. Yes, I believe in being submissive. But I also believe we can be dominant as well. There is a dominance within our lady parts that we need to start utilizing. Once we give a man access to our “P” word, we are introducing him to our soul.

Our souls are intertwining. I’m absorbing all of their energy, as they are mine. How well do you know this person that you are letting into your power? If they are holding onto negative energy guess what, you just absorbed all that up. Their thoughts, feelings, desires, ect., are left as an impression on your aura. Sex is spiritual. Your “P” word is powerful, treat her as such.

As women, we are powerful beings. We provide life for crying out loud! Our vaginas give birth to humans, the most painful experience anybody can endure and live through. I’ve never personally given birth yet, but I can only imagine, a mini human coming out of my vagina! Come on now! And you are trying to tell me that women aren’t powerful? That our “P” word isn’t powerful? It’s freaking magical!

We endure so much. We are so strong. We hold so much power. The whole world would end without our birth canal. The longer you wait, the better it is. Or is it? No sex before marriage they said. Is that even realistic in 2020? Everybody always wants to bring up religion when it comes to sex. But aren’t we sexual beings? Did Jesus ever get married? You don’t think he ever had sex? Am I getting too personal? Is this offending Christians? But I’m a Christian. And these are all questions I have.

Will “holding out” until I say “I do” keep a man long term? Will this make our relationship stronger? Will we focus on other sections of our relationship because the sexual part will be on hold? Or can we still be sexual without actually having intercourse?

I’m actually in a fairly new relationship right now and these questions have all crossed my mind a few times. The current pandemic has kept us apart due to obvious reasons. And honestly, I feel like it has helped us get to know each other extremely well on a mental level. Like where is his head at? How does his mind think? And *looks around the room* I hate being mushy, but I’m falling more and more everyday with his mental. Our conversations are deep. I’m all ears when he is speaking to me. I crave to know everything in his brain. I tell him all the time I wish I could be in your head for five seconds. I can only imagine having such a deep connection with his mental and us bringing that into the bedroom.

I always preach that sex is mental. And it is. The brain is the biggest sex organ. If you are falling for somebody’s intellect and sex is mental, that’s a recipe for amazing sex right there. But should I “hold out” because I don’t want to ruin things between us? Should I “hold out” because I’m a Christian woman searching for a husband? Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by everyone, and husband and wife should keep their marriage pure. God will judge as guilty those who take part in sexual sins.” What is meant by sexual sins?

Opening up your legs is a gamble ladies. The bible says to wait until marriage. But who is really doing that now a days? It’s your body, your choice. Pray about it. I’ve told myself the next man I lay down with will be my husband. But what if it doesn’t work out that way. What if he doesn’t end up being my husband? It’s all scary to think about. Rushing into sex is definitely a no go. But how long should you “hold out”? Until a ring is on your finger? Or until y’all have a mutual understanding of what’s to come? Does anybody have the perfect answer? Or is the perfect answer to listen to the bible? But what if we wait, get married and the sex is horrible? Now I’m married and stuck with a man I hate having sex with. What a nightmare.

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So You’ve Been Cheated On: Picking Yourself Up After Betrayal

By: Lauryn Bass

A personal note for those who need comfort during a difficult time of broken promises. 

So you’ve been cheated on. 

Many thoughts circle your head at once when this happens. Whether you saw it coming or it caught you completely by surprise, it sucks. It truly does. You put your all into the relationship, no matter the time span, to end up here. Never could’ve imagined yourself in this position. Used to see and comment on how others have handled this same situation, but you don’t understand what someone is feeling until it happens to you. 

So.. you’ve been cheated on. 

Trying to understand why, can only make you feel worse. “Why, if, but, then”..you gotta let that go. All of these questions will only lead you to negative thoughts of sadness or anger. No need for all of that to continue because you know what? 

You’ve been cheated on. 

The betrayal of your trust is one thing, but to look silly in front of others is another. As public as your relationship was, people always had their opinions...people always have opinions. Fact is, no one was right or wrong, neither were you about what happened. Someone made a mistake and here we are to deal with it and move on. 

So..you’ve been cheated on? 

The denial is real when you find out. It doesn’t feel real when it first occurs. “Am I being pranked?” crosses the mind several times, especially when the truth comes from someone else and not your once thought to be “significant other.” You literally used to give advice based on this relationship that you were building. Those gems are still valid..but boy does it feel like a slap in the face. A realization of this pain can bring forth so many new feelings, but taking the necessary steps to explore and accept it healthily will be the best decision you’ll make for the future. 

So. 

From here, remind yourself that you’re going to be alright. You always have been and you always will be. This was not your fault. Do not judge your worth off of the person who didn’t see it. You are now embarking on a new journey of life, and your experiences will only make you stronger. You have options. Get out there and continue to live out your wildest dreams. Things seem shaky right now, but with time they will calm down and settle back into place. 

Love, Yourself <3

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6 Reasons Why A Serious Relationship In Your 20s Should Not Be Priority

By: Omar Cook

We all have this desire to be wanted, and to have this fairy romantic relationship that you see in movies. Yes, you can have that, and you deserve that. But when is the right time?

Our 20s is a pivotal time for all of us in determining the course of our lives. Relationships can be mentally and emotionally exhausting if you are not right with yourself first, and the wrong one can even deter you from accomplishing certain goals. The days are gone when people are looking for marriage at 18, 19, 20 and millennials are holding off on having kids until older ages. 

At 27, I have learned a valuable lesson, through trial and error; our 20s should not be a time to prioritize a romantic relationship...at least until you’re stable in a number of areas. Here are 6 reasons why a serious relationship should not be your priority in your 20s! 

1. Get Your Money Up

If you don’t read any of the other reasons, don’t skip this one. Money makes life a whole lot easier, and unfortunately due to the world we live in, you NEED money to live. Yes we want love, but honestly, getting to the money should come first. 

It’s hard to truly focus on a relationship and give the right energy and focus to your partner when your money isn’t right. You want to be able to take your partner on dates consistently, buy gifts, travel, you know, all the romantic stuff. How can you really do that when your money isn’t right?

Your 20s is your time to make mistakes financially, invest in your business, and spend time saving up for your future. Don’t waste this valuable time focusing on a person that may not even be helping you elevate to that next level! Get your money up kings and queens!

2. Learn To Love Yourself

The term self-love has become more of a trending discussion than ever. But do we truly understand the value of it? In your 20s you will go through so many ups and downs and challenges that will force you to love yourself the right way!

 It’s imperative that you take the time to date yourself, and learn to love yourself more than anyone else ever can. Why? Because if a relationship fails, you still have to live with yourself at the end of the day. You do not want to feel depleted emotionally if it doesn’t work out and you’ve been emotionally invested into a person looking for them to be your source of love. Real love comes from within.

When you learn to love yourself correctly, you will see things from different perspectives. You won’t accept anything less than what you feel you deserve and you will hold others to a high standard because that’s what you require for your own self. Taking this time to love yourself properly is crucial, and if you don’t, you may find yourself in relationships that under appreciate your value! Toxic!

3. Date To See What Suits You

I’m not saying you should be a player, and definitely don’t play with people’s emotions, but dating multiple people in your 20s is exactly what you should do. For starters you should always be honest with the people that you date in telling them that you may be seeing other people. Don’t get yourself caught up, and karma is very real.

Why should you date multiple people? It’s easy to have chemistry with just about anyone and it’s possible to even catch feelings for more than one person at a time. BUT, you need to learn how to discern those feelings and see what you like and don’t like about people. What are you willing to put up with and what drives you crazy?

What exactly are you looking for in a partner? Does this person meet my standards and are we truly compatible? Questions that can only truly be answered after you have gained some experience dating. Don’t just fall for the person that tells you you’re beautiful or handsome. Take your time, date, and the right person will prevail through it all.

4. Get Stable In Your Career/ Education

Your 20s is a time for you to figure out exactly what you want to do with your life. Sometimes what you go to school for may not even be what you end up doing. This is your time to explore career options, take jobs in odd places, make leaps of faith, and build start up businesses.

This is also the time for you to pursue all of your secondary degrees. Sure you can wait until whatever age to get a certain degree, but why not focus on knocking it out as early as you can? Get school out the way so you can focus on building a stable career. 

Don’t let  a serious relationship derail you from pursuing your dream job early or finishing up school. You need to make sure that you are stable, and ready to provide for you and your potential partner. 

5. Live Your Life

We only get to experience our 20s one time, live it up! Take trips, hang out with your friends, party, go out, do it all. Get whatever you need to release, out your system. Not saying that you can’t do all of this in a relationship, but the freedom of being single is unmatched.

Enjoy your single time, because once you’re committed you’re committed. That’s a whole other person you will have to account for. Live your best single life for the moment, mature, fail a few times, and learn from every experience. Your 20s is the perfect time for trial and error!

6. There Is No Rush

Regardless of what you may hear, waiting until after your 20s to entertain serious relationships is not too long. Marriage at 30 is not too old. Kids at 30 is not too old. With divorce rates already being so high, you can eliminate potential problems by gaining your stability first and getting yourself together so that is one less thing to worry about in your relationship.

I for sure thought I would be married or have kids by 27, but I’ve learned that there is no rush. Personal growth and self awareness is way more important than chasing love. Chase yourself. When you do that, someone who is also great within themselves will find their way to you. 

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Stop Forcing It! What Is Meant For You, Will Always Be For You

“Whatever is meant for you will always be for you, and whatever crashes, crashes, because it wasn’t meant for you.”

By: Ashley Jenkins

You ever heard the phrase “Let it come natural”? Yes, that applies to you and all the other people who are forcing a relationship, or even a friendship. Things that are forced don’t necessarily last as long, because you’re rushing too fast into it. I know your intentions are as pure and genuine, but you don’t need to push yourself to go above and beyond for the other person if it’s not being reciprocated back. You’re probably saying to yourself, well what do you know about it, you don’t know what you’re talking about. I do, because I learned from my experience. Worrying yourself, wondering if they really like you, or maybe if I do this and that for them, they’ll see that I’m the one. It doesn’t work like that.

>> RELATED: How to Date Without Losing Your Mind

What is meant for you, will always be for you, even if they leave, if it’s meant to be it will happen. Them leaving is just apart of the story that must be written in the journey back to you. I’m not saying you must live by this saying or code, but it has been proven to be true. Do not beg, force, or chase. If you feel as though this person is worth it, and trust you’ll know the feeling when it happens, then you take it to God and pray about it. Have strong faith and trust that if it’s meant to be it will most definitely happen, and if it crashes then it wasn’t meant to be.

Just relax and keep your cool! It’s okay to feel overwhelmed in the beginning of the talking stage with a person, I get it. However, you can’t let your emotions get the best of you. Think with your head and use your gut to guide you in moments when you are feeling unsure about how the person feels about you.

You do need to have a common ground, and both understand what it is and what it isn’t and if you’re still in the talking stages as well, because you don’t want to over play your role. Remember when I said “just relax and keep cool”, yea that’s what I meant. Don’t ever over play your role, because that’s a form of forcing it. If they’re not doing the things that you’re doing for them to you, then dial it back a little or to their level of effort.

>> RELATED: 5 Signs That You May Be In A Long Term Fling And Not A Long Term Relationship

Letting your emotions dictate your actions, can be very dangerous in any situation but especially in the talking stages. You’re both feeling each other out, showing too much emotions to where everything revolves around them, knowing their every move, stalking them, or going out of your way to do anything for them, when it’s being one-sided. This is forcing it to the MAX, and letting your emotions guide you.

Use your head more than anything. Don’t let your emotions blindside you from seeing the real, because your emotions will make you see a fantasy that you’re really wanting with this person, and you’re going to force, over play your role, or even start to smother the person that you’re wanting to be with. Just relax, and let it take it’s course. If you don’t remember anything from this, remember these words “Whatever is meant for you will always be for you, and whatever crashes, crashes, because it wasn’t meant for you.”

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5 Tips To Having A Better, Healthier Relationship

By: Ashley Jenkins

As we all know relationships aren’t perfect, but believe it or not, they’re damn sure worth it for that right person. Don’t get me wrong If the relationship is draining, let it go; however, if you’re working to overcome little petty things then these tips should steer you in the right direction.

Communicate

This is the number one key that can make or break a relationship. Now, before you do anything further, let this word marinate in your mind…“communication”, what does that mean? It’s two civil adults having a conversation about how they feel about you and the things that you do. Hint, that I said having a conversation, not yelling or having a screaming match with each other. No, a mellow and civil conversation. When communicating you come to a common ground, and you listen to what both of you have to say. It’s okay to be emotional while this is happening but don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Just work out the kinks, and issues, no matter if it takes all night.

Assuming

In my opinion, assuming is pointless, for one you shouldn’t be so quick to think the worst about your partner, and if you are then he or she may not be the one for you. Assuming is one of the major reasons for relationships not lasting now a days. Instead of you asking your partner straight up, you choose to assume and make a big deal out of nothing, when in all actuality it was nothing to begin with.

You drove yourself crazy filling your head with negative thoughts about what your partner could be doing but isn’t really doing. Save yourself the headache and being called a crazy person and keep positive thoughts, and trust your gut. Don’t overthink it into something that it’s not, because you’re causing problems that aren’t even there.

Trust

If you lack trust in your partner, then you really need to air some things out with your partner, because having no trust in your significant other is a red flag in any relationship. For example, if your spouse goes out with their friends, you must be confident enough and trust that your partner is going to respect your relationship. Blowing up their phone constantly all night just to keep tabs on their every move is very irritating, this means you don’t trust them, which will lead to arguing about it, and probably breaking up. Don’t get me wrong it’s ok to check in occasionally to see how the nights going, but constant texts are a no! Having trust is a big foundation for any relationship, this shows your partner that you believe in them to not disrespect your relationship.

Honesty

Honesty, and I cannot stress this enough, will build your relationship very strong. This means that you both don’t have anything to hide from each other, everything is on the table with you both. This is another essential foundation and step to working towards a healthier relationship.

Absolutely nothing can come between you two when you both have nothing to lie about or hide from each other. This lets your partner feel secure about what you both have together and the relationship. No matter what you must tell your spouse big or small, it’s better to lay it all out there rather than to have it come back and bite you in the ass.

Taking Interest

This is more on the romance side of growing in your relationship. Take interest in one another and do things together that one another likes to do. Find a common interest as well, and invest not only in yourself but your partner and your relationship. This will show your partner that you value what they value and care about what interests them. I mean sure not everything your partner likes you must like, but it’s the thought that you’re willing to sacrifice your time into spending time enjoying what they like to do. It may be small to you, but big to your significant other, because your time and effort is being invested into them.

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How Do You Know When It's Meant To Be?

By: Omar Cook

Dating in today’s culture is unlike any other time in history. With so many new distractions, and so much access to people, it’s hard to tell what’s real. We have so many different things to consider when dating someone, that figuring out someone’s true intentions is like a full time job itself. There’s a few questions that we all ask ourself at some point in a relationship:

Is this person for real? 

Are you faithful behind my back?

What are their true intentions?

These particular questions are interesting because they can never be truly answered, they require you to trust that the other person is keeping it real with what they’re showing you. Relationships are definitely not easy considering we’re all trying to find balance between work and personal life, but relationships are essential to all of us and having a solid intimate relationship is a journey in itself. So how do you know when you found the right one?

If we’re being honest, relationships can be scary! Love is the most powerful force on this earth. It can be fulfilling and destructive at the same time. I talk with my girl all the time about relationships and we often talk about the reality of relationships. I’m more of hopeless romantic than she is, where I truly believe that I have found “the one”, the person I want to spend my life with, my soulmate. She is the person that keeps things in a reality perspective, that even though we may think we are “meant to be”, meant to be doesn’t always mean forever...it could just be for the time. WOW. How scary is that? The person that you love and are with at this very moment...reality says that this could be temporary and just another life lesson you need to learn.

These types of conversations scare me because thinking of a possibility that we wouldn’t end up together is not something I’m ready to face. As strong as the force of love is, real life is a stranger to none of us, AKA...shit happens. People get cheated on, people fall out of love, people get comfortable and stop doing what they did early on, or you just may find out that you’re not as compatible as you think. 

While we all chase that happily ever after feeling, I believe every relationship holds a life lesson in it, and every relationship is attached to our destiny. Every person that you engage in a relationship with teaches you something and ultimately shapes your views on the world. I also believe God put the keys to our life’s purpose in our relationships, because he knows how much we value love and relationships. The person that you’re with is supposed to give you something, something that pushes you farther into the next step of your life, whether you end up with them or not. 

The feeling of love is a great thing, but understand that a real relationship has to be deeper than that. You should ask yourself, what is the value of having this person in my life and how are they helping to push me forward? What are you learning about yourself from this person? People and experiences are teachers, and life is one big test.

When I took this type of thinking into consideration, I looked back over every relationship I’ve had, and accessed what lesson I learned from those persons. I hold no bad feelings over anyone because I believe everything happens for a reason and they have ultimately shaped me into who I am right now. Relationships involve a lot of trial and error and we all make mistakes. Sometimes we have to experience loss to appreciate what’s really for us. 

One of the scariest realities about relationships is that you’re taking a big risk by engaging into an intimate relationship. Relationships literally only have 2 outcomes; you either break up or you get married in the long run. The risk, is you’re risking your whole relationship with this person, someone you probably talk to every single day, and probably consider your best friend, just by dating them. If you get into another relationship after them, you can’t carry this person with you, because what person wants to deal with you with an ex present in your life? You take the risk of losing this person forever or gaining them for a lifetime. Sometimes you’re almost better off just being friends because that has a possibility of lasting longer than an intimate relationship. There may have been several people you dated who you know you could still be friends with had you not gotten into a relationship with. But sometimes that bond is just too strong that you risk it all, and put a title on it. Before you put a title on something, you should ask, am I ready to risk it all for this person? 

This whole idea of “meant to be” gets crazy because when you go into a relationship, who really has the expectation of breaking up? You cut off the world for this one person because you believe in them and what they bring to you. But life is weird, because most things are temporary. Most of the people around you won’t even be in your life 5 years from now. With that being said, it’s important to value everyone’s place in your life at this very moment.

If you keep this reality of relationships in mind, that everything “meant to be” doesn’t last forever, the only thing left to do is to live in the moment. Learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat them with your current relationship. Be open to learning new things from your partner and don’t shield yourself off because of past experiences.

Where you are is exactly where you’re meant to be, and being the best person you can be to your partner is the best chance you have at living happily ever after. To be truly happy in your relationship, you have to be happy with yourself and not expect that person to be the constant source of your happiness, they should just be adding on. 

We’re all playing this game of life, looking for that fairy tale ending, but it’s really up to us to create that reality for ourselves.

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The Guidelines To Consent: We Still Don't Get It

By: Tasha Hough

CONSENTTTTT??!!?? *Souljah VC*

I’ve learned within the last few months that people might have a misconception of what consent really is. With the stories of R Kelly, Bill Cosby, and the countless number of people in Hollywood like Harvey Weinstein abusing their power, I think it's just time to talk about what consent is, and how to fully practice it. Unfortunately, there are obviously too many people who don't understand it.

So, here's a quick little guideline of what it is.

1) If you're buying someone drinks or drugging someone with the intent of sex & to the point that they are incoherent and can no longer use their right state of mind to decide what they want to do, yet you proceed to take sexual action...It's rape. Of course, there are the people who feel like “well she knew what was up when she was drinking, or she knew we were taking drugs” but here’s a thought maybe she just wanted to be drunk, that is not mean she wanted to have sex. If you need to drug someone, or get them black out drunk to have sex, that’s a major problem in itself. Also, who wants to REALLY have sex with someone just lying there? Yuck. Bonus note: STOP BUYING DRINKS FOR WOMEN IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO HARRASS OR FOLLOW THEM.

2) If you are pressuring someone to have sex with you, making them uncomfortable, saying slick remarks and holding sexual power over their head for some sort of Leverage, it's not QUITE rape but it's definitely wrong as well as annoying. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, all parties are supposed to want it and the second it's uncomfortable, stop.

3) If you are in the actual act of having sex yet he or she tells you to stop for whatever reason STOP. To the people that are going to say well I can't figure out if she’s flirtatiously telling you no or if she really means it, learn what body language is. Someone’s body language, tone and assertiveness are sure signs. It’s not hard to figure out. Stop the madness.

4. During the R. Kelly case there were plenty of people saying that the fifteen through seventeen-year-old girls knew what they were doing when they decided to have sex with him. Let’s be honest, at seventeen your body is horny but as a GROWN MAN it is extremely manipulative to be involved with someone that young. So yes, she may have wanted it especially considering the “perks” someone with the status of R. Kelly but it was wrong of HIM nonetheless.

5.Some people think that rapist only appear on empty streets or in a dark ally. Rape is from anyone having sex with someone who is unwilling or unable to express (children, disable, mentally ill, drunk, drugged etc.) their desire for sex.

6. If you feel like because a woman is half naked, twerking, being seductive means “she wanted sex” so she “knew what was coming”, that’s a problem. Sure, she may have WANTED sex. Who says she wanted it from who raped or sexually assaulted her?

As a community we have to do better. Plenty of people in our own families, as well as our close friends have had some sort of sexual abuse towards them. So, when  you make excuses or come up with justifications for why other people are raped, you diminish the story of the people close to you as well. Sex is beautiful, don’t ruin it because you can’t find an ounce of self control.

By the way, WOMEN if you do any of the above cut it out. We don’t talk about women doing these things as much and I have witnessed men get sexually assaulted as well. It is wrong, stop it. This isn’t to bash or put anyone down.

Thanks for coming to my Tash Talks. National Sexual Assault Hotline Call 1-800-656-4673 Available 24 hours everyday!

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Dating Tips: 5 Keys To Making A Long Distance Relationship Work For You

By: Omar Cook

A long distance relationship is one of the hardest relationships to be in, but in this day and age where millennials are chasing careers and opportunities, it gets pretty difficult to remain in one location for a long period of time. You may have met someone that you really liked and built up a relationship with but life forced some distance to come in between you guys. Tough huh? So what happens to the relationship now that you guys aren’t seeing each other everyday?

Long distance relationships aren’t for everyone, but if you’re really into the person you’ve been dating and you see a future with them, you obviously want it to continue to work. I personally do a lot of traveling from one location to the next for different career opportunities so it becomes difficult to maintain a relationship in a central location. Over time, I have picked a few key things that I see as essential to making a long distance relationship work.

It’s not easy, and it takes two people who are on the same page mentally and want the same things to keep the relationship going. You also have to have a good idea of who you are as an individual and what exactly it is you’re looking for in a relationship. If you see the person you’re dating as your perfect match and you’re willing to sacrifice a physical relationship for a period of time, well a long distance relationship can work for you! I want all of you to continue your perfect love stories with a peace of mind, so here it is, the 5 keys to making a long distance relationship work for you!

5 Keys To Making A Long Distance Relationship Work For You

Communication

Communication in any relationship is a must have, but it’s imperative that your communication in a long distance relationship is on point. Instead of a relationship where you can mend things physically (or appear to), have make up sex, or go out on a date, you’re forced to actually talk things out. Being in a long distance relationship and actually seeing it through can actually be beneficial for you in the long run because you and your partner will have developed superior communication skills. If you and your partner are in disagreement on something, you have to be able to talk to each other in a way that’s still loving and respectful, but gets your point across at the same time. The last thing you want to do is escalate a verbal disagreement over the phone or facetime and nothing is really getting solved or heard which usually ends up with one partner just hanging up the phone. If you’re going to survive any long distance situation, you have to be willing to become a master communicator and be able to express yourself and open up from a distance.

Compromise, Understanding, and Support

I put all three of these under one category because they really tie into each other. Being in a long distance relationship means that you both have agreed to support each others goals and career aspirations from afar. You both are understanding of what each other is trying to accomplish and you continue to push that person toward their goals. If you’re with someone from a distance, that means you truly believe in them because in reality, you could be entertaining other people that are actually in your area, but you see this person as the person you truly want to be with. You have to be willing to compromise a physical relationship on a daily basis with this person, and other traditional things that a couple does like regular dates, or just spending time with each other. For your long distance relationship to work, you have to be your partner’s biggest cheerleader and love them from a distance. Your partner wants to know that you’re down for them and that you support their goals and dreams. Why be with someone you don’t believe in?

Trust

This may be the hardest part of a long distance relationship and this can be a deciding factor on how far the relationship goes. Trusting a person that’s around you all the time is a task itself, so doing it from a distance can be difficult. You may have thoughts about what that person is doing when they’re not talking to you or who they’re talking to. These are all normal thoughts and you’re not crazy for thinking them, but being able to control your thoughts and be at peace knowing that your partner is doing right by you is key. Trust and communication go hand in hand and you should be able to talk to each other about things that may be bothering you, but in a respectful way that’s not in an accusing manner. At the end of the day, whether you see this person everyday, or you see them once a month, you can never stop a person from doing what they truly want to do anyways so thinking positive and giving your partner the trust they deserve is what is needed. You have made the conscious decision to be with this person, so trust yourself that you have made that right decision to be with this person.

Planned Visits

Because you don’t have the luxury of seeing each other on a regular basis, you have to schedule out planned visits. Whether that’s once or twice a month or whatever is best for you, planning visits to see each other will give you guys something to look forward to. You’re still in a relationship so there still is an obligation to see each other. You might have to budget a little differently to save up for flights but it will be worth it once you see your partner after an extended amount of time. Do not wait too long to see each other unless you absolutely have to, and be consistent with the visits. This is where compromise comes in as well, because both of you have to be financially invested into seeing each other regularly and understanding if there may be a delay in seeing each other. Keep the good energy going between you guys by making it a priority to see your partner.

Plan For The Future

If you’re in a long distance relationship, i’m guessing the relationship is pretty serious because why would you date someone from afar that you have no plans on being with for the long run? For long distance to really work, you have be with someone who you may see as a potential soulmate. Put together some timelines for certain things to happen, which can include a time that you may want to move together in the same area, engagements, etc. Let each other know that you’re here for the long run with a plan. A long distance relationship should be for a temporary time period and not long term, but both of you have to be on the same page about your timelines for the relationship to work.

I hope these keys that I laid out were helpful for you and if you would like to add more to the conversation, comment below!

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How to Date Without Losing Your Mind

By: Tasha Hough

Congratulations! You’re braving the dangerous, unknown land of *dun dun dunnnnnn* DATING. Seriously, pat yourself on the back because - whew, it is no walk in the park. It can seem so nice, precious, as well as easy, from the outside looking in, however, once you really enter that strange world, it is a whole different story that people never seem to warn you about.

Before we get into my tips on how to remain sane while dating, let’s quickly define what dating actually is:

• For some people, it means to get to know a variety of people until things become exclusive with one. I.E) “I’ve been dating Mark, Christian, and Trevor. I’m not sure about any of them yet, but the dates have been nice.”

• It could mean that you are just getting to know one person and seeing where it may lead. I.E) “Girl I’m really trying to see what’s up with Trevor. We aren’t official yet, but I like him a lot”

• It could also mean being exclusive with the one person. I.E) “I’m dating Trevor. That’s my boyfriend.”  *Insert super cheesy face here*

Dating could mean whatever else, to whomever else, but this is what I have gathered about it thus far. Also, people tend to mention sex when it comes to dating. Personally while dating, I try not to have sex at all so I can have a clear gauge on who I’m learning about. No one wants to be “dickmatized,” and then months later learn that they don’t even like the person. This can happen because of the almighty (possibly curved) peen that they were seemingly blinded by; I’m also grown though, so there are no rules. However, if I do have sex, for my pleasure, it would only be with one of the people who I am entertaining. I AM NOT HERE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR BODY, just choose wisely. PLEASE.

Okay, so you’ve read this far because you don’t want to lose your mind while dating, right? Tips coming right NOW!!

How to Date Without Losing Your Mind

Get YOU together first.

I know that we all want to give and receive love, but I believe in order to really find love in a healthy way, that you have to truly LOVE yourself first. You can’t look for someone else to fill a void within you. I feel that you have to put in the work to find out everything you need to know about yourself, work on the things that you struggle with, the things that you need, and during that self-exploration, find and foster self-love and appreciation. With doing that first, you raise your standards, lower your tolerance to B.S, and make the conscious decision to never settle for less than you deserve. You thoroughly TEACH people how to treat you.  

Find yourself some business.

I know it can be daunting trying to figure out where your love life is going but FIND YOURSELF SOME BUSINESS. We often see people jump into relationships and suddenly they become the person that they are with. Have your own likes, dislikes, friends, hobbies, goals etc. Have your own life is what I’m saying. I think that it’s important to allow who you’re dating into your life, but most often we tend to get so consumed in their lives that we lose track of who we are. I asked one of my friends what their favorite food was and they started with what her guys (who is no longer her guy) favorite was. My thoughts were ‘beloved, does he chew for you too?’ This happens and then you feel lost as hell the moment anything happens. That’s a strong no. Also, THEY GET TIRED OF YOUR ASS, SIS. Give that person some space.

Learn effective ways to communicate.

This is a must for life in general, whether dating or not, but it is certainly necessary while dating. Understand that no matter which level of dating you are on, that the person is not you. They are learning about you, like you are learning about them. Don’t assume that people are going to do things your way all of the time, and don’t assume that people know what’s going on in your mind. We are all adults, scroll up to the first point I made; find out everything that you need to know about yourself, and EXPRESS those things, as a closed mouth doesn’t get fed. With communication, make sure that you are dealing with someone who can properly communicate as well. Again, we are adults, so you truly don’t have to settle for ghosting. I’m not saying you have to or should be talking to the person of interest all day, every day… we are grown, busy & have our own lives…. buuuutttt in 2018 where EVERYONE is ALWAYS on their phones, I personally think a message here or there throughout the day isn’t bad.

It shows that you are actually interested. It shows you’re interested.

IT SHOWS YOU ARE IN-TER-ESTED.

Oh, and it’s courteous to see how someone is doing from time to time.

Flick your bean.

Don’t get caught up in the sex part of dating and stay bound to a situation that you don’t like but for the sake of the D, you’re stuck. Girl, naw. Get in tune with yourself. Buy a toy, get a yoni egg, hump a pillow (don’t look at your screen craze. I’m dead ass.) , do whatever it is to get you an orgasm so you’re not leaning on someone else for a feeling you can kind of give yourself. This is UNLESSSSS that is all you want from him; in that case, cool. If not, nah, don’t get “dickmatized” and hurt in the process, sis. Anddddd, when you know your own body you can help your partner please you better, OK?

Find ways to build up the life you want, without a partner.

If you want to travel, travel. Find hobbies that YOU like. Get your credit together. Focus on your career, school, and business. Whatever it is you want to do, focus on it and do it. When you do this, you and your partner will eventually pour into one another which is adding value to the both of you. Obviously, some things feel better with a companion, but what I’m saying is- don’t wait on someone to give you the things that you can give yourself for the time being. I strongly believe that once you are on the path of WORRYING ABOUT YOURSELF, someone who is for you will come along when you least expect it . The more you are out here just searching for companion without even searching for yourself, the more dubs you will get.

Understand from start that YOU ARE WORTHY.

Now, I’m not saying to have a full blown check list of things that you want or don’t want from someone, but the things that you know that you require, make sure that you receive them. You don’t have to go through trauma or any sort of B.S, to prove that you are down for this person. If he does not understand how to give you your basic needs, without putting you through emotional distress to prove to HIM that you are good enough, I suggest that you exit ALL of the stage left.

All in all, what I’m saying is LOVE YOUR SELF, work on yourself so everything will fall in line. Love yourself more than you love going crazy over potential partners. Don’t go crazy out here looking for love without finding love within you. I promise that once you find that within, things will get clearer for you overall. I won’t lie though, it does get extremely challenging to date, once you already feel complete by yourself. DO NOT LET THAT SCARE YOU.

I am whole by myself but I want someone to add to me. I don’t ask for much, so the things that I do want are non-negotiable. I find that some men are intimidated by that, as well as the fact that I am outspoken. A few have told me that they feel that I wouldn’t let them be a man or listen to them. Here’s the thing, despite being an alpha woman, I am very open to letting someone take the lead, and being submissive- FOR THE RIGHT ONE. Some people want to lead you right into stress, and debt. I think TF not.

Anywho, happy dating 😊 Keep your sanity, please.

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4 Signs That You May Be Friends With A Hater

By: Alyssa Cole

Have you ever wondered if one of your friends really had your best interest at heart? Sometimes we grow away from the circles that we originally grew up within and it's okay for some changes to occur because as you get older your interests and values may change. Have you been wondering lately however, if somebody that you've been calling a friend truly is one? Here are 4 signs that you may be friends with a hater!

1. They try to compete with you.

Are they trying to constantly one-up you with everything that you do? Whether it be a job, a degree, or something you may have bought? Friends may have friendly competitions from time to time, but if you’re noticing that someone is constantly trying to be better than you only for the purpose of announcing that they did something better, you should really ask yourself if this person is a real friend.

2. They always disagree with you.

Now I get it, everybody has those days where they may get into a disagreement with their friends, but have you noticed that every time you express your thoughts on something, they just have to disagree with everything that you say? How common is that?! Not very common! A friend is someone that you may have different views with, but should not be someone that you are constantly finding yourself disagreeing and getting into arguments with.

3. They never give you compliments.

Have you ever noticed that when you go out together they never compliment you about how you look, but you are constantly giving them a compliment? It's very unusual don't you think that someone that is close with you never lets you know that they think that you look nice? What's worse is if you find them questioning why you wore something or what made you choose something in particular instead of something they may have liked. Yes, we all have our own sense of style, but your friends should have a general idea of how you are, what type of look you go for, and typically let you know that you look nice from time to time, even if the look may not be their ideal one!

4. They never seem happy for your achievements.

Real friends will let you know how proud they are of you whether it be because you graduated, passed a test, or maybe even landed the job you always wanted! Do they tend to downplay your accomplishments ? Do they say congratulations but then add a negative comment at the end? Do they simply just ignore the achievement completely and act like it never happened? Not good! Your friends should recognize and be happy for your achievements especially when it contributes to your overall growth and well being. A friendship is a give and take relationship and show always be treated as such.

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5 Signs That You May Be In A Long Term Fling And Not A Long Term Relationship

By: Omar Cook

This is gender neutral as both men and women can be a victim of this. There are times that we can be so excited to date a specific person and that person makes you extremely happy, and in this cloud of lust, you lose your common sense. So much so, that you allow yourself to maintain a relationship without a title but have set expectations for you and that person as if your relationship is going somewhere.

I’m sorry to say, but your relationship is going nowhere if you and your partner aren’t on the same page and you have no specific destination for where you’re going. Just going with the flow is cool if you really aren’t looking for anything serious, but at what point in the relationship does just going with the flow become a problem? Where are we going and what are we doing are questions that need to be answered at some point from the person you’re dating.

Falling in love and having a long term relationship is the eventual end goal for most people, but how can you be so sure that the person you’re with has those same intentions? People can be master deceivers and string people along in relationships while “having their cake and eating it too.” Unfortunately, I’ve been accused of this and have strung people along in my past so this is a real thing and you’ll want to know if you’re just being taken along for the ride. Are you really building for the future or are you just messing around? Here are 5 signs that you may be in a long term fling and not a long term relationship!

5 Signs That You May Be In A Long Term Fling And Not A Long Term Relationship

1. You Have Never Met Their Friends Or Family

Anyone that’s serious about you will willingly invite you to meet their family. And a person that’s really serious about you will want to show you off to their friends and at the very least get their approval. I think of it like this, if I don’t take you to meet my mom, it’s not that serious.

2. You Have No Title

While some people don’t like to be defined by titles, a title will tell you everything you need to know about how that person views you. You may not have spent enough time together dating to have a specific title, but if you’re a whole 10 months into dating someone and you’re still fishing for a title, that’s a red flag. What are we doing? How does the person you’re dating introduce you to people? Do they say this is my girlfriend/boyfriend, or are you still just the friend? If you’re still without a title after a long period of time, reality says you’re just the friend with benefits. A fling.

3. You Don’t Know Any “Real” Facts About Them

Let’s get past the high school questions (what’s your favorite color, what’s your favorite movie, etc). Who is this person really, do you know? Do they know who you are? Ask your partner what your goals and dreams are, or what your biggest fear is, or your biggest accomplishment and see what they say. A person that you’re in a long term relationship with should be like your best friend and you should be past the basic questions stage.

4. Do You Actually Do Things As A Couple?

Do you actually go out on dates together, or is netflix and chill an everyday event? Do they send you flowers or buy you gifts? If there’s a party or an event, do you guys show up together? Don’t be fooled, it takes minimal effort to be a fling, but a long term relationship requires effort. A lack of effort will give you insight on where you stand mentally with a person.

5. Do You Talk About The Future?

Are you guys still going with the flow and believing that whatever happens happens, or are you guys actively planning your future? Do you talk about where you want to settle down at, what age you want to have kids, what age do you want to get married? If you aren’t having conversations about your future, than how can someone envision you in their future with no plans? Stop letting people string you along and put yourself in a better position for the relationship that you desire.

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10 Things You Need To Know Before Committing To A Relationship

By: Omar Cook

One of the biggest aspects of life that we deal with is the relationships that we form. Sometimes we can be so blinded by who we expect a person to be, that we ignore all of the red flags that were there before the relationship even started! And sometimes we hold on to people for way too long with a hope that we can change their ways. 

Well family, it’s time to stop having undeserved expectations for people and see them for who they truly are from jump, as best we can. Rushing into a relationship can have some damaging effects on both people especially if you haven’t truly spent the time to get to know them. There’s no problem with dating without a title for a while or just simply being friends so that you can learn more about each other before taking that leap into a committed relationship. 

Instead of settling or committing yourself to a relationship because you may feel lonely, take some time to really figure each other out so that you can see if a committed relationship is really what you both want. A person isn’t going to show you every single thing about them before a relationship begins, but with enough time and patience, they will show you enough! Here are 10 things you need to know before committing to a relationship!

10 Things You Need To Know Before Committing To A Relationship

1. Does This Person Have Goals?

   In all honesty, nobody wants to be with a bum. And by bum, I mean someone who lacks the the drive and motivation to better themselves. You’ll want to know what kind of life goals the person you’re dating has for themselves and if these goals align with what you want in life. Some people may place a value on education and want to be with someone with a degree, but in this day and age, you really just want to see if someone has real plan for their life to be successful. How do they spend their time in the day? Are they working? Are they looking to level themselves up? Are they organized in their life? These are questions you will want to know so that you aren’t putting false expectations on a person that really had no expectations for themselves. Asking the right questions and paying attention to a person’s lifestyle can eliminate the fakes early. 

2. Does This Person Practice Good Hygiene?

   There’s nothing worse than dealing with a person with bad hygiene. How do they smell? Do they brush their teeth everyday? Cut their nails? Clean their ears? Sounds simple but you’ll be surprised how many people lack basic hygiene skills. Pay attention to these things early in the dating phase so that you aren’t shocked later down the line.

3. Does This Person Have A Spiritual Belief?

   Not everyone will agree on the same spiritual beliefs so you will want to know the beliefs of the person you’re dating aligns with yours or if they even have a spiritual belief. Can you take this person to church? Can you pray with them? This is a need to know question because this can most definitely make or break a relationship, especially if two people aren’t on the same page.

4. What Happened In A Past Relationship That May Have Been Traumatic For Them?

   You’ll want to know what kind of troubles a person dealt with in their past relationships so that you can better understand them and know how to deal with them in the right way. If a person a was cheated on in a past relationship, find out early so that you’re not surprised when you see an insecure side of them in a relationship. Knowing their past experiences will give you better understanding on what that person is willing to put up with 

5. How Does This Person Treat Their Family?

   This is a major tip into a how a person will treat you in a relationship. Observing how a person treats their closest loved ones will tell you how they value the people they associate with most. If a person has a lack of respect for their parents or siblings, what makes you think that you will be treated any different, especially when that person becomes comfortable around you?

6. How Is This Person With Money?

   This isn’t to say that you need to date a person with big pockets. But you should observe how a person spends money and what they spend it on. Are they responsible in their spending habits? Are they willing to spend money on you? (This doesn’t have to be diamonds and pearls, but something as simple as flowers, candy, food, etc.) You will want to know how a person spends their money so that you know beforehand in a relationship what to expect. Make sure that person’s spending habits are in alignment with your expectations.

7. Is Sex A Necessity For Them?

   Not every person looks at sex the same way so you will want to know where a person stands in their sexual desires. If you’re a person that wants to hold out until a marriage, you will want to know that the person you are with is willing to do the same. Discuss sex beforehand so you both can be on the same page and so that one person doesn’t have unreal expectations for the other. 

8. How Does This Person Act In Social Situations?

   Seeing a person out in social settings such as parties, or events is imperative before getting into a relationship. You’ll want to know if your personalities click or clash in public with the way a person acts. Are you the life of the party and they’re an introvert? This kind of observation can help you realize if you can enjoy being out in public with your significant other. Being in a relationship with a person you can’t have fun with is a recipe for disaster.

9. Does This Person Keep Relationships With Their Exes?

   Do not wait until you’re in a relationship to find out if there is an ex from the past lingering around. Ask questions so that you know what to expect. Don’t keep quiet about this subject because you are afraid of confrontation or just don’t want to set yourself up to possibly be upset. You need to know the circumstances you’re dealing with. 

10. What Are Their Morals/Political Views?

Understanding a person’s moral and political beliefs can be a deal breaker. You have to pick a person’s brain to figure out how they think about life topics because not everyone agrees one everything. You may feel passionate about a subject that your partner has no interest in. Get to know your partner and what’s in that person’s head so that you can see if you’re willing to accept that person’s views.

Don’t jump into your next relationship without having a real idea of what to expect and knowledge of possible red flags. Set yourself up to have the best relationship possible by giving yourself enough time to learn each other. With these tips and questions, you will be able to see who’s really for you in the long run!

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Do You Have Boundaries With Your Ex?

By: Alyssa Cole

In some relationships, people are able to maintain healthy relationships with their exes, but just how close are you? If you're a fan of the hit Hulu series Insecure, we saw in a recent episode Issa battle with her temptations and sexual desires to not have sex with her old boo Daniel. Most viewers I’m sure were caught off guard at the end of the episode when Issa stops Daniel right in his tracks as he’s beginning to set the mood. Were you not screaming at the television in disbelief?! But this episode had a great lesson in it, which is to have self-control and to definitely set some boundaries! Here are some things you may be doing with your Ex that are no good because you don’t have any set and enforced boundaries!

Having Sex With Your Ex

Now you know you’re wrong for this! But let’s be real, things happen. Is it right or healthy? Of course not! Sure it feels amazing, but it’s not worth it. Some advice? Date somebody new and once you feel they are promising and headed towards something long lasting, become intimate with that person. It’s so easy to get caught up with your ex, especially for the sex, but mentally and emotionally, it’s not a good move in the long run.

Looking At Your Ex’s Social Media Posts And Photos

Now you know better. Ok, I get it, some of you are still friends with your exes but even if you or if you aren’t, refrain from internet stalking them. We all know the average human being is nosey as crap! But once you get on their page and get to scrolling, the next thing you know you’re going down memory lane, thinking about the last time you went out with them, and what made you fall for them in the beginning. DON’T DO IT! If you ever want to truly move on, you should really take a step back from checking their social media and for some people, you may need to remove them from your social media altogether. Thank me later. 

Reaching Out To Your Ex When You’re Drinking

Now listen. I don’t even need to go into detail about this one because you know you’re acting up when you do this. One of the most popular things people do especially if the break up is still fresh is reach out when you’re under the influence to your ex. This is never a good idea! This is where having self-control comes into play. Know your triggers! If you know that Sangria or Jack and Coke makes you feel a way and you’re not over your ex, turn your phone off when you’re out or have a friend hold your phone. It’s not childish, it’s called being smart!  I’ve had to tell my friends to hold my phone when I knew I was still getting over someone, just to prevent sending something I didn’t mean or worse, sending something I did mean but didn’t have the guts to say when I was sober. Be very careful when you’re under the influence!

Are you guilty of any of those things above? Maybe or maybe not, but the most important thing to remember is to know your triggers and always have self-control. Ask yourself why did you end up breaking up in the first place? Is your current friendship a healthy one? Are you falling back into a place of comfort with them because it’s what you're used to? There isn’t a rule saying you can’t be friends with your ex, but to really help you move forward, it’s important to set clear boundaries and don’t overlook them. Be confident in yourself that you can be happy and satisfied with someone new and especially when you’re by yourself. 

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21 Questions Every Couple Should Ask On Date Night

By: Omar Cook

Getting to know your partner is essential to having a great relationship, and communication should be a top priority. Sometimes just sitting down to have a simple conversation about life can be a great date idea. Whether you’re going out for a romantic dinner with your partner, or you’re staying in for some netflix and chill, here are 21 questions every couple should ask on date night!

Questions About You?

1. What is your ultimate goal in life?

2. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

3. Do you have any regrets?

4. What’s one thing I don’t know about you?

5. What scares you or makes you nervous?

6. What is your most proud accomplishment?

7. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?

Questions About Me?

1. What are 2 facts about me?

2. What do you like about me the most?

3. What’s 1 thing that you think I can do better?

4. What am I passionate about?

5. What is my favorite song/music artist/movie?

6. What is my dream job?

7. What are my biggest turn-ons? Turn-offs?

What About Us?

1. What do you enjoy about our relationship the most?

2. What is your favorite memory of us?

3. What is the biggest weakness of our relationship?

4. Where would you prefer to settle down as a couple?

5. What is the greatest strength of our relationship?

6. Where do you see us in 5 years?

7. What should we do together that we haven’t done already?

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Sex Before Marriage Can Save You Longterm Disappointment

By: Omar Cook

Sex is a powerful tool that should not be taken for granted and abused. It’s also something that can affect how you interact with your partner in a relationship. We have always been taught from an early age that we should wait until we get married to have sex, but in all honesty, how many people are really waiting until marriage?

This isn’t to say to you should be having sex in every relationship, or with every person that peaks your interest. And if you have religious reasons for holding off until you tie the knot, hold true to your own beliefs. But if things are getting pretty serious and you want to know that what lies under the covers fits your agenda, you might just want to give it a shot.

Waiting until marriage leaves a lot room for the unknown. A legitimate fear of not having sex before marriage is, what if you don’t click with your partner intimately? Sexual attraction and sexual chemistry are two different things. You can be extremely attracted to a person physically but the sex can be wack!

Sex can solve a lot of issues, or at the very least, make some things about your partner just a little bit more tolerable. Imagine having a bad argument, and wanting to be able to make up with each other physically, but the sex is just as bad as the argument. Now you’re physically and mentally frustrated. Lack of sexual chemistry is a recipe for disaster.

It’s like test driving a car, no person in their right mind is going to leave a car lot without taking it around the block first. Sex can always be learned and taught and you can grow with your partner, but that’s definitely a risk you’re going to take if you wait until marriage. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with a person, you’re obviously going to want to know if they can satisfy you physically. Getting into marriage just to find out that the person of your dreams isn’t what you pictured them to be in bed, is a nightmare that we all wish to avoid.

We don’t live in the 1800s and people aren’t getting married off love at first sight anymore. You’ll want to everything about who you’re getting involved with and sex is a major factor in a relationship. Sex isn’t the answer to a healthy relationship and it should also not be the deciding factor on whether you should be with someone, but it is important nonetheless. If having sex before marriage is what you and your partner decide to do, do it the safe way of course!

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